The Hariest Post Ever

Ahh, playoff traditions. College teams go blonde, the Bears have their mohawks (hopefully to be unveiled tomorrow night,) the Caps grow their beards (and Mike Green rocks the 'hawk), and hair insanity overtakes the hockey leagues of the world. The playoff beard phenomenon has its own entry on Wikipedia; the Caps are encouraging it with their Beardathon, in short, the playoff beard is overtaking the D.C. area quickly.

But wait, I said. BUT WAIT.


For those of you who haven't yet picked up on this, I'm ridiculously female. Sadly, all I've managed to grow on my chin thus far is a bumper crop of pimples (and don't ask me where those came from, I'm not amused either.) No matter how much time I spend gritting my teeth and trying to pop out that magnificent handlebar mustache I've always wanted, I just don't seem to be getting past the Nicklas Backstrom Blonde Peach Fuzz stage.

The Caps' Club Scarlet has been little to no help in the female beard growing efforts, staying mostly silent on this horrible peach fuzz pandemic sweeping through 50% of Caps Nation..... so what, oh what's a girl to do?

My solution? Freakin' grow it somewhere else.

I had three choices as I saw them, and only two were fit for a mostly family-friendly blog. (although there was some discussion of rockin' the hawk in an uh... southern.... manner.) But anyway, I saw two options.

Sadly, after living with myself for 23 years, I knew that my legs would never get past the patchy-lost-razor stage of Sidney Crosbyitis. With no Italian or Spanish influence in my background, the blondeish-brownish Irish/German leg hair gene was going to leave me in the lurch.

"Allright then, self," I said to myself. "Armpits it is."

So here, in all its glory, I give you the initial photo of Playoff Pits '09. I haven't touched a razor since the Bears home closer, so this is almost a week and a half's worth of growth: 4/12-4/21.

(Also please to be keeping in mind how hard it is to take pictures of your own armpits.)

Ryan Whitney I'm not, but I'm hoping to give Boyd Gordon a run for his money eventually.


Any other ladies out there in on this? We too, can turn into yetis for our team... just... less visibly!


(x-posted to Talk Hockey To Me as well

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Thesis Time!

A moment of shameless self-promotion, if you will.

I am now virtually Teka, Master of Arts, as I submitted my thesis for review as of this morning around 11:30.

AAAAND, because it's all on women around hockey, it seems appropriate to give all of you a taste of what I've been slaving over for the past year and a half.

Without further ado:
Go forth and read joyfully.

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Paradigm Shifts 'R' Us.

While we're singlehandedly taking on the glass ceiling of hockey and hockey fandom every day here at Hlog, I've found a more nefarious and underhanded way to poke at the status quo of the old boys club. 

In short, Hockey God Online, run by former NHLPA agent and self proclaimed "bad boy" Dave Frost is holding a competition to find Hockey Hotties of the Month. Obviously, the intent is to get some more Wyshynski-worthy cheesecake girls-in-jerseys shots, but this is where you come in, oh wonderful and enlightened Hlog readers. 

Take pictures of your ridiculously attractive husbands, boyfriends, male life partners and other important men in your life wearing their hockey jerseys (and/or their skivvies, if they're so inclined) and let Dave Frost know pictorally that it's not just men who deserve to have someone to ogle while talking hockey. 

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2 Minutes for Wandering?

Although technically he's not our coach anymore, he spends enough time in the ol' barn that everyone in Chocolatetown still thinks he's part of the family.  And because our Caps bloggers have fallen off the face of the planet, I'm gonna take it on myself to say: Hey Bruce. How's it going? 

For those of you who were under a rock last year for US Thanksgiving, Bruce Boudreau was pulled up from the Bears to coach for the Caps, and for those of you under a rock near the end of the season, he also won the Jack Adams award for coach of the year. 

Beyond just the shiny blingy coaching stuff, however, Bruce, or "Gabby" as he's known to the media, is a stellar person, and you can see it in quite a few of his players. In Hershey, Dean Arsene picked up his knack for giving the media killer one liners, and in D.C, the Caps have only gotten goofier since he arrived. (Segway trip, anybody?)

Not that it's all fun and games under Bruce, though. One of the advantages of bringing him up from the baby team is that a lot of the big names on the Caps (Brooks Laich, Mike Green, etc etc) played under him, and already know his system. In addition, because Boudreau trained the current Hershey coach, Bob Woods,  the system is also more or less consistant throughout- never is a player going to get to DC and be completely blindsided by how everything works. 

Of course, Boudreau does have two Achilles heels... he has an inexplicable soft spot for Chris Bourque, and, straight from the horses' mouth,  he takes coaching advice from unqualified sources... "My 9 years old son texts me from Hershey what should I tell Ovechkin to do..."

Back down on the farm, the assistant coach who stepped up when Brucey left, Bob Woods, has managed to assemble a juggernaut of AHL talent. Working with GM Doug Yingst, he picked up Graham Mink, Keith Aucoin, Brian Helmer and Darren Reid to be the veteran leadership lacking last year. They're looking at a two-goalie rotation once Varlamov gets his groin back in line and honestly, even without Wood's leadership, this team could probably kill things (that aren't the Hamilton Bulldogs, but let's not go there.) 

Not to discount Woodsy though. By all reports, he's put together a team that gells on every level they need to. With Mink, Giroux and Arsene all back and playing, a core from the Calder Cup year is around to show the n00bs the ropes and bring back stupid traditions from prior years. From John Walton, the Voice of the Bears...

 On opening night after the win at Wilkes-Barre, we started to pull out of the Wachovia Arena parking lot when Graham Mink yelled up as loud as he could “WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!” Our bus driver that night stopped suddenly, as if we forgot something or somebody (it happens sometimes…) The staff and rookies in the front all looked back, and Minker yelled “DID WE PACK THE TWO POINTS?” Laughter and cheering followed, we started on our way home and an old tradition was brought back in an instant. It may not sound like much, but that was something that guys used to do back in 2005-06 after a big road win, and it was good to hear it again. I thought of that again tonight, because it was Bryan Helmer’s turn to yell up front and ask Beaker if we packed the two points tonight. I think that’s what you get when you have a team that has great veterans that lead by example, but have fun doing it at the same time. That’s this team. They watch movies on the bus together, they go to the mall on off days on the road together, they laugh together and they shrug off disappointment and turn the page (see Bulldogs, Hamilton on Wednesday night).

While Woodsy may not be to blame for such antics, the fact that everybody works together decently has to make his job easier.  Instead of having a singular top line, he's got three or four to choose from. Heck, his beginning of season fourth line fielded rookies Mattheiu Perrault, Francois Bouchard and Oskar Osala, and right now Osala is tied with Andrew Gordon for number of goals scored, (6) and Keith Aucoin on the top line is in the top 3 all-AHL and was AHL Player of the Week for the first week in the season. 

If you hate your coach, that kind of chemistry isn't gonna happen, so as far as I'm concerned, the Caps organazation has the best of the best coaching their top players.

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Hershey Bears Team Preview

Me again, here, guys, your lonely AHL correospondant with an overview of the Baby Caps in Hershey.  When the big team rips through your boys like a chipper-shredder left to its own devices, you'll thank me for knowing where they came from :-)

One of the biggest issues the Bears had last year was consistant veteran leadership, both on and off. Captain Dean Arsene fell to injury before the season even started and never quite got back, Freddy Cassivi was stuck in goal, Louie Robitialle was, well, Louie, and acting captain Quintin Laing went up to the big team and never came back, just like our head coach. This year, though, we're veritably stacked on veterans. As of the offseason, we also have returning Graham Mink, a member of the Calder Cup team, and new veterans Keith Aucoin and Bryan Helmer. Along with our just-waiver-cleared Quintin Laing, there's absolutley no comparing the leadership on this team to where it was last year. Even if we lose one vet to injury, there's another to step up and motivate the babies.

Being an AHL team, the roster's never really fixed, but the one we seem to be starting with is nothing short of killer. 

On defense, not only did we luck out with the return of Arsene and his ferocious ass-hits, we also retain Sami Lepsito for the time being, (our version of Mike Green), Josh Godfrey (who had a hat trick in the final pre-season game) and perhaps most excitingly, we also got Karl Alzner, who's been heralded as the Second Coming of Defence Christ for a good long while now. 

Our forward lines are just as ridiculous, fielding Chris Bourque and Jay Beagle, who barely missed making the big team out of camp this year, Andrew Gordon, who had as many points as he had games last year, and the continued play of Francoise Bouchard and Mathieu Perreault, two QMJHL stars. Oskar Osala never met a puck (or a fight) he didn't like, and between him and Kyle Wilson, I don't see the Bears having the same 'hesistance to shoot'issue they had last year. 

The Washington Capitals are really to thank for the goalie situation as well. Simeon Varlamov, the 23rd overall draftee in '06, and Michael Neuvirth, 34th draftee in '06 are currently in Hershey, but they've come up against some stiff competition for roster spots in the form of Daren Machesney, only a second year AHL player, but a star OHL player, and for a while last year when Cassivi was with the Caps, one of the top ten AHL goalies. 

Honestly, I think it's going to take until a few weeks into the season to see where the holes are on this team. on paper and in preseason they look virtually unstoppable. Against the WBS Pens, who knocked them out of the Calder Cup run in 5 games last season, the Bears pounded out an 8-2 victory to close preseason. 

Of course, in the AHL there's also the good chance you'll lose people to the big team, and when that happens, it's going to be the young guns gone first- Bourque, Beagle, Alzner and Lepisto will go missing, and it'll be interesting to see what the team does after that. If reviews of the Washington Capitals heralding them as a 'ridiculously deep' team are to be believed, the depth storage unit in Hershey will have no trouble at all. 

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The Mayor is Back

My first reaction to the weekly challenge was to snort and laugh.

"HA!" I said to myself. "Self, nobody would believe that the AHL has franchise players. We're just the bush leagues! We're where the n00bs ferment until someone on the big team breaks themselves! Half of the NHL watching world can't even name their AHL associate!"

Then I stopped laughing as a thought struck me. "But self, " I said to myself. "Self, wouldn't the franchise players really just be the first players that someone thinks of when they think of a certain team? The dude who's been there long enough that his name is synonymous with the team he plays for? We've got those here in Hershey PA! We're veritably up to our ears in those here!"

Everybody, meet the three I see as Hershey's current franchise players, The Mayor, BabyBourque, and Roboturtle.


Dean Arsene (know alternately as Deano and The Mayor) has been with the Bears for 5 years, and although he wasn't named captain until 2007, he had already racked up an impressive following in town. For three years he's been the Bears' finalist for the all AHL Yanick Dupre Man of the Year Award.

Although he didn't play the majority of last season due first to a botched hernia surgery and then later to some other undisclosed injury, the Bears have signed him to another year in 08-09, and there's been quite a bit of talk that when he does finally retire, the Bears may try to keep him around as a coach of some sort.





Chris Bourque (okay, I may be the only one who actually calls him BabyBourque) is really the only big face/big name on the Bears that will probably make it out of AHL purgatory eventually. However, I'm not sure whether it's fair to make Bourque a 'franchise player' for the Bears, because many people recognize him simply for being Ray Bourque's son, and although he's been in AHL purgatory for three years at this point, he's technically under contract to the Washington Capitals.

Of course, that brings me to another pithy observation on determining your teams' franchise players. Next time you're at a game, look around and see which three jerseys you see the most of. If you're in Hershey, it's almost always Arsene, Bourque and Robitaille.

Which obviously, brings us right back down to Louie Robitaille, also known as the Roboturtle for his maddening ability to instigate ANYONE and then immediately lose the fight. Of course, the fighters and agitators usually have a cult following, and Louie's no different. Regardless of the fact that he wins maybe one of every three fights he starts, and he's the one most likely to take a dumb penalty at a stupid time, Louie is a fan favorite, and I would say arguably a franchise player. Other teams KNOW that Louie's a Bear, and they have to dedicate one or two of their guys to dealing with his annoyances all night everytime they play us.
Interestingly enough, I've heard low-level rumblings through town recently that regardless of the fact Louie's veritably a face of the Bears, the team is thinking of not re-signing him, as he's had some... uh... outside indiscretions that don't really reflect favorably on the organization.

Just goes to show you... you can be known for good, you can be known for bad, you can follow in Daddy's footsteps, but as far as I'm seeing, there's always going to be someone on a team who's KNOWN.

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Creative Challenge, AHL style!

As the one who keeps trying to bring some AHL class to this organization, I chose to do my Creative Challenge soundtrack for the Hershey Bears. Somewhere in there I also started a tangential and mostly fun-jabbing soundtrack for the Penguins as well.

Without further ado, (but much MUCH more bad music).....

Bears Soundtrack Anthology 07/08 :

Bleed It Out- Linkin Park
This will forever be the song that makes me think of the 07/08 Bears, as it was ALWAYS first or second in the warmup tracks. It's also been my phone ringtone since... oh... December?

Rockstar- Nickelback
In a tourist town the size of Hershey, pretty much everyone knows the players, and they are a little like the local celebrities…. And the sources of all gossip.

Street Rat- Disney’s Aladdin
Here’s Jay Beagle, an unsigned, undrafted nobody who came in and burned it the heck up out there to the point that the Caps noticed and signed him.

Tubthumper-Chumbawamba
This team went through over 50 people on their roster due to injuries and illness this year. They lost a coach, three (or more?) defected to European teams, and at some point over half the playing roster had started the season in the ECHL. And they STILL MADE PLAYOFFS.

Going the Distance – Cake
Dear Eric Fehr, you made a back-injury comeback midseason to play not only for the big team, but also in TWO sets of playoffs… You’re a beast and I heart yoooooo.

Under Pressure – Queen and David Bowie
For Daren Machesney, who stepped it up like whoa when all of a sudden Freddy Cassivi was playing backup for the Caps. At one point, he was in the top 3 AHL goalies (and ended the season at 19th of 60+) Welcome to your rookie season, Cheezer.

Pat Benatar- Hit Me With Your Best Shot
This is for Quintin Laing's ongoing ability to get his body in front of pucks. Bruisey? Yes. Awesome? ABSOLUTLEY.

Rehab – Amy Winehouse
Oh, Louie Robitaille. You almost got Dennis Leary’s “I’m an Asshole,” but with that whole drunken cop-punching incident at the beginning of the season, I think you and Ms. Winehouse are a much better couple.

Movin’ Out – Billy Joel
Somehow, we wound up with Ben Clymer, who won a Stanley cup in Tampa and has been a fixture of the Caps for a while. We didn’t complain, but it was obvious the AHL wasn’t where he wanted to be.

Teenage Dirtbag - Wheatus
This is for dear little awkward Patrick McNeill, the youngest of the Bears, but improving leaps and bounds every game, even if he does make "IDUNNO" face a lot. Right at the end of the season, he and Pinizzotto suddenly discovered that they could hit people, and really seemed to get a kick out of it.

Particle Man- TMBG
Chris Bourque, the 5'8" hockey player. Is he a dot or is he a speck?

Everybody Wants Ya - S Club 7
For my favorite baby Cap, Andrew Gordon, who started shakey and got demoted, but suddenly got the call up a second time and lit a freakin’ fire. Two hat tricks later, he was a fan favorite.

The Way You Move – Outkast
Although I have a specific blueliner in mind, I’m going to give this generally to the Bears defensive corps… although a few of them DID move well, we also had a lot of traffic cones.

Move Along - All American Rejects
Here’s to the lossiest losssful two week road trip ever. Out of something like 11 games, I think they won two. But kept effing going like the machines they are.

Don’t You Forget About Me – Simple Minds
Losing Cap’n Lainger and Boudreau to the Caps. Sure, we were proud of them, but that doesn’t mean w didn’t miss them like whoa during the rest of the season.

Ya Gotta Get A Gimmick - Gypsy
As strange as this looks if you know what context the song's actually in, as soon as Steve Pinizzotto realized he could hit people, he stayed with the big team in Hershey.

She Hates Me – Puddle of Mudd
Oh, Joe Motzko. They traded you away, and I am now without someone to scream insults at. You needed so much to learn to pass and stop puck hogging. Hopefully someone will hate you just as much in Chicago, the second team you managed to play only a few games for and win a Cup with. I despise you so...

Boys Don’t Cry - The Cure
Such a quick exit from playoffs for a team that clawed back with as much heart as these guys did. (Andrew Gordon admitted that he did cry, so here’s to you, Gordo.)



Tangentially, for the Penguins:

Unloco's "Bruises": for Brooks Orpik’s 4 hit Shift Of Madness
Christina Aguilera's "Candyman": for Brooks Orpik himself.
Gladys Knight's "Midnight Train to Georgia": for Colby Armstrong and Erik Christensen
Shania Twain's "UP!": For Ty Conklin…. Where’d that COME from, Conkblock?
REM's It's The End Of the World: The current Penguins worldview.
Johnny Paycheck's "Take This Job And Shove It.":Well, Marion Hossa, or should I say BENEDICT ARNOLD.
MC Hammer's "U Can’t Touch This": Playoff Marc-Andre Fleury, this is your song.
Disney's Ballad of Davy Crockett: This is ALL for Whitney’s playoff beard.
Groucho Marx's "Lydia the Tattoed Lady": C’mere, Ryan Malone. This is yours.
Wierd Al's "White and Nerdy": For that scruffy thing, Sidney Crosby.
Will Smith's "Gettin’ Jiggy With It":Max Talbot, please always keep dancing.
Jackson Five's "I Want You Back": The Great Disappearance of Jordan Staal
No Mercy's "Where Do You Go?": Malkin. (He almost got Manamana for his stunning interview skills.)

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I belieeeeeve!

X-posted to THTM.


As well as talking about the Danny Syvret/Ryan Potulny trade-o-rama that really only affects AHL followers, this article at Canoe.ca is the first I've seen of a Canadian news source backing my newest cocakmamie scheme. Says John Short:

My guess would be that Seattle - having lost the NBA Sonics - is a better potential location for the NHL than many of the southern markets now in place.

If it mattered, you could say the same about Winnipeg and Quebec City. Arena upgrades are necessary, but they're not impossible.

Well thought out on the surface level, Mr. Short, but I believe that the Supersonics are leaving because of issues with Key Arena, meaning you probably wouldn't be able to drop an NHL team in there and have them not whine about it as well. Driving the nail in that coffin is also the fact that the Seattle Thunderbirds (WHL) are running from Key Arena to somewhere in Kent for the next season as well, implying that hockey isn't flourishing there either.





Know where hockey WOULD flourish in the Pacific Northwest however? I've told you this before.... and since Seattle just got the MLS team, it seems fair that someone would throw Portland another major league team as well, as we've only got the one. I mean think about it, sure they'd share the building with the Blazers, but the Wizards and the Capitals share Verizon and it... mostly works. If Portland's denied the MLS team and the MLB team they've been coveting, wouldn't people grudgingly accept an NHL team? People in Seattle would have the option of going to Portland OR Vancouver to watch hockey, and it'd give someone local to the poor Canucks to play, instead of leaving them stuck up there in Vancouverville all alone. Just think, you could have the I-5 Ice War or something.....

So Dearest Bettman, (although I only call you that when I want something,)please give us the struggling Thrashers. I'm sure we can slot Army and Crush into the insanity that is the general MO of Portland, and it'd give the poor Canadians a chance to see snow once in a while again.

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How do you say pain? BROOKS ORPIK.

This FINALLY got to youtube, so here, in all its glory, I give you:

Reasons Teka Wants To Be A Blueliner, numbers 1, 2, 3, 4, and FOURTY FOUR.

Tell me that's not just an amazing sequence of hits right there. I've watched it like 16 times, and I STILL can't believe it all worked out that well. Only in my roller derby DREAMS (and merely once in reality) have I managed a series of hits like that.

Wow.

(And he's a UFA this summer, with rumors circulating that the Pens will let him walk. My hope? That the Caps'll pick him up. If not, who's with me for pooling our money and starting the Hlog team?)

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Sports Moron Of the Day Award Goes To.....

Courtesy of the National Sports Review, I give you Why Chicks Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting by one "Den Cotton."

Here's his opening salvo:

As I recall, Colin (Cowherd) has spoken about the upsides — a requirement even — of having a relationship with a girl who doesn’t love sports. Now I don’t want to get Colin in too much trouble because he has a lot of smart female fans who call into his show. But I don’t want to date them, no matter how hot they are.

Jigga WHAT NOW? Hold on to your hats ladies, it's about to get better.

Cotton continues:

I know some of you ladies probably think I’m intimidated by your sports knowledge — and I am. Not because I’m afraid you know more than me about sports — because you probably do — but because I don’t want you to be a man. I don’t feel like much of a man already, and I really want to keep what is left of my dignity; and that is very little if you’ve been scoring at home.

Just fix the toilet or something if you need to get your manliness on; no fear for me with that. I’ll bake one of those tasty dinners that I’m known for while you go mow the lawn, take care of that broken door I won’t fix, and maybe put some new tile in the bathroom.

Ladies who love NHL are completely off limits.

So basically what I'm getting from this is that Den Cotton is SO AFRAID of his potentially latent homosexual desires that he's refusing to date any women that he sees as infringing on that manliest of manly frontiers, the sporting world. God forbid that he be potentially attracted to a woman that likes sports, because obviously to him, she's going to be "manly," and the only logical next step from there is all rainbows and pride parades and he can't be having that as a REAL MAN, can he?

Oh sure, he'll let us little ladies improve the home in what HE sees as a manly gesture, giving us domain over toilets and lawns and tiles, but hasn't the "HOME" been the place of females for years now, historically? By 'giving' us that right to improve our home, isn't Cotton really just shoving us back into the little housewife role and taking away our Sports Center rather than enabling us at all?

And just what would Cotton say about a roller derby girl? She's wearing a little skirt and fishnets, which should obviously make his lower brain (dare I say ONLY brain?) engage, but isn't it awfully manly of us to go out and think that we can take NHL-worthy hits for the sake of our sport?

Also, I LOVE the painting of all female sports fans as emotionless robots.

Seriously, if you come home and suddenly decide you don’t want to share feelings anymore, I am without question,kicking you out in the street where you can be free to go to the bar for a date with Tom Brady by yourself.

And just what if the feelings I want to share are over a hockey team? I'm positive that I've said "Goddammit, I'm so mad the Penguins lost," and I KNOW that anger is a feeling. Instead of saying "when you don't want to share feelings, I'm kicking you out" why doesn't Cotton say the obvious, "I can't handle a strong intelligent woman who likes and knows about sports because I'm completely insecure about myself and need to feel dominant in relationships."

Because right now?

I'd rather kiss Danny Briere than touch Den Cotton with a ten foot pole.

Unless, perhaps, it was a ten foot pole crammed up his you-know-what.

(also at Talk Hockey To me)

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From the AHL desk...

Last night, the Albany River Rats ('Canes) v. Philly Phantoms (Flyers) game went into 5 overtimes. 5


Supposedly a game that started at 7 PM ended at 12:39 AM, 5 hours later when Ryan Potulny of the Phantoms (and ex-Bear Grant's little brother)scored the game winner. The Rat goalie Michael Leighton saved 98 of 101 Philly shots during the game (they think both are AHL records)while the Phantom goalie had to deal with a slightly more reasonable 67 shots (65 of which were saved.)

With this win, Philly's up 3-2 in the series. And everyone involved in the game never EVER wants to do this again. (AHL full article here)

My question is how many FANS were still in the building when the game finally ended, as the exodus from Giant Center for the first OT is always pretty significant. I can't imagine more than 1 or 2 hundred actually stuck around. I'd also LOVE to see video of the end of it, because I can't believe anyone can skate for 5 hours and not just be completely wiped by 12:30 in the morning. Wow. The next game in this series is gonna su-uuuuck for those two teams. Luckily for them, it's not until Saturday. (although watching them try to play a back-to back tonight would have been hi-LARIOUS methinks.)

Tonight, however, the Bears try to re-live the Caps' playoff claw-back, as they are currently 1-3 in the series against the Baby Penguins. Any crazy thoughts of winning you want to direct their way at, oh, 7PMish would be good.

Think about these guys:

and then we've got scoring and NOT scoring covered.
Also at THTM

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Silent Bob Speaks!

Surprisingly, you don't even have to know and love your very own snuggly Hlogger to be a pro-feminism hockey fan.... as the one and only Silent Bob proves.

In his NHL.com blog, Devils fan Kevin Smith (aka Silent Bob) calls for action from within Rangers Nation, saying
"In an effort to diminish a team they despise, some Rangers’ fans’ idea of an insult is to call the Devils women. It’s as if the worst slander they can imagine is equating the black and red with the distaff. Ladies, I don’t know about you, but I (and every Devils fan) find that notion repugnant beyond words."

He then goes on to request that the women of Rangers fandom withhold sex until this "rampant hate-speech" is curbed.

If there was ever a candidate for a male Hlogger, I think we've found him.

(Original article found at Kukla's Korner)

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Weekly Topic (I'm a sheep!)

This is rather a loaded question for me, because I’ve got ties to two separate NHL teams at this point, both in the playoffs, and my two NHL teams’ AHL teams are currently playing each other for their Calder Cup run. Basically, I spend a lot of time cringing no matter what happens.


But, if I could put all that ulcer-inducing Pens/Caps/Babypens/Bears orgying aside for a moment, I’d have to say that since the beginning of the series, I’ve been keeping about half an eye on the Boston Bruins (although I did choose Montreal to win the series).Currently, they’re fighting back 2-3 against the Habs, so who knows if I’ll get to watch them much longer, but I have to say, their group of little scrappy Czech rookies (Sobotka and Krejci) have sort of warmed the cockles of my heart during the beginning of playoffs.

Player-wise, the specific non-Cap-non-Pens people currently on my radar for playoffs?
Tootoo, who I waver back and forth between liking and wanting to punch.
Biron, the only Flyer I can stand, probably because he’s the only one I’ve never seen pull Flyerish crap (sorry, Nadine!).
Turco, mostly because he’s my car’s namesake and because he’s really a fantastic goalie.

And in the AHL? I’d say I’m watching the Syracuse Crunch, but I’d be lying. I do know they have Brassard and Brule playing for them right now, and I’ve been sort of passively interested in Emo!Brule since he was pegged as the guy in Sid’s shadow for that draft year, and I always feel for the players who do the called up, sent back, called up game. No, I’m really just focused on the Bears. And barring that, on the BabyPens. That's one of the few good things about having ties to two, even if they do play each other from the getgo.... SOMEONE's gotta move on, right?

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Hockey-versary to me....

I don't admit this out loud to many people, so listen carefully, and listen quickly.
Exactly one year ago today, Haviva and Katelyn sat me down in front of the Stanley Cup quarterfinals on the giant TV in the Cellar pizza shop of the University of Puget Sound.


How are we sure it was today, April 15? Well, the Penguins were playing the Senators, appropriately enough, and I didn't have a favorite player, let alone a favorite team.

Then this happened. Third game of the series, 10:58 in the third period:

In that moment, Colby Armstrong jumped up, grabbed my little bruiser roller derby girl heart, and sort of ran off with it. Mostly in that moment it was a "WHAT THE HELL YOU CAN DO THAT IN THIS SPORT I LOVE THAT GUY" response, but as I found out more and more about Army and the Penguins and hockey in general, the more I loved all of it. I'll argue until the day I die that it was a legal hit, no elbow involved, and Eaves needed to be looking where he was going.

Fittingly enough, though, neither Army or Eaves is left on their respective teams, fighting it out in this Pens/Sens series. Army's on the golf course somewhere now, the Atlanta Thrashers having not made the playoffs. Eaves, now with the Carolina Hurricanes, has also started his off-season earlier than he would have wished.

Today I'm sitting in Hershey, waiting for the Bears to start their playoff run, reveling in the fact that the Penguins are kicking some Senator butt, hoping that the Caps can, in fact shut down the Flyers. I can now talk to you about PIM and +/-, the use of a good backcheck and who's going to make the big team next year. I've watched NHL games, AHL games, WHL games, college games, I've been to Mellon and Verizon and the Wachovia, I've developed a hatred for cheap shots and a love of the grinders and checkers and even to some extent the agitators, as long as they can back up their words with actions. I own two jerseys, one outdated, one autographed, one sweatshirt, three hats and two t-shirts. I've learned who to trust on a breakaway and who's going to choke every time. I've seen a live goalie fight, and I've bargained with the higher powers for the sake of my team.

A year in, I think I can own the title proudly now.

My name is Teka, and I am a hockey fan.

(Also, the construction guy from Clean House is totally wearing a USA hockey shirt.)

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Once in a while, you gotta SQUEE.

Not only did the Bears managed to clinch a playoff spot yesterday AND have a line brawl involving my favorite backup goalie......

I got Andrew Gordon to sign my jersey. And managed to keep my eyes open in the picture. :-)

He also says he's going for the Mike-Green-As-A-Bear-Originated Playoff Mohawk as of next week, which just amuses me to no end.

(And video of said Line Brawl where you get Cheezer(Daren Machesney, the goalie) in Triumphant Agitator mode...)


Sadly, I didn't get any Stalkercam 8000 pictures of it, as it was down the glass in the corner on the same side I was on, but you can bet I was screaming and yelling and jumping up and down and teaching the kid next to me all sorts of words he didn't need to know until he got to middle school.

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Remember your Roots

All this Stanley Cup hoopla, p'shaw. Don't you people realize there are still regular season hockey games being played across the nation East Coast and Iowa?

That's your problem, all you uptight emo NHL bloggers. You're so wrapped up into your big shiny pre-packaged Teams of Awesome(tm) to remember where you came from. Sure, there's the occasional Sidney Crosby or Nicklas Backstrom who wanders in and joins the big team in his first try, but y'all seem to be forgetting all those guys who show up for training camp every year.
"WHAT?" you may say. "WHO THINKS ABOUT THOSE GUYS?"
Come on, you think all those dudes who don't make the team out of camp and get 'sent down' just go into cryogenic suspension until all the other options are exhausted and they get to be thawed out again? Gilbert Brule and Alex Goligoski would be some frostbitten little bits of meat if that was the case.

No,(and this may take some of you by surprise) in fact, there's a WHOLE 'NOTHER LEVEL OF HOCKEY in North America. They call it the American Hockey League (although there are a few teams in Canadia, so I'm guessing we're talking American like the continent) and SHOCK AND HORROR, most of your Teams of Awesome(tm) are *GASP* ASSOCIATED WITH ONE OF THESE LESSER TEAMS!

"MY GOD!" you may say. "IS THAT WHERE ALL THESE NOBODIES COME FROM DURING PLAYOFFS?"
You are correct, my NHL-watching friends! And in fact, these nobodies have their own playoffs as well! In about a week, they too will be competing for their very own cup. It's a smaller cup, and more square (as cups go) but it's their very own cup nonetheless.

So just remember, as you watch your Teams of Awesome(tm) run all over creation after Stanley, that next year's members of your team are, in fact doing the same thing for a cup we call Calder. And for the love of all that is holy, remember that some of your co-bloggers are trying to balance the adrenaline rush of having two sets of playoffs to keep track of at once. If they make it through this alive, let them tell you about their Beagles and their Grattons, their Tlustys and their Motzkos. They'll be able to tell you what your team will look like for the next few years, and you, well, you have half the internet to talk to about your Teams of Awesome(tm).

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A Plea for Thesis Help!

The Hlogger girls have mostly seen this before, but I'm sure some of you intrepid readers out there haven't heard hide nor hair of it yet.

Click on through, and help a Hlogger with her masters thesis in just 5 easy minutes!

My MA thesis is on female hockey fans and other associated fan-like women of pro hockey (wives, girlfriends, ice girls, reporters, bloggers, to name a few)
These following links are for three separate surveys that hopefully target three separate groups of people that I think it could be valuable to have input from while writing this paper.

The first on google docs here, is for male fans, and asks questions on your relationship to hockey and your views on the female fans you have come into contact with.

The second on google docs here, is for female fans, and asks questions on how you view your interactions with hockey, and views on your fellow fans.

The third on google docs here, is for professional or high school/college level players (geared towards males, but I do have a female version floating around as well, if you want that).

All are completely anonymous and ask you simply to answer questions and or offer opinions. If there's anything else you wish to add, feel free to include it. If there are questions you have for me, feel free to email and ask.

I'm hoping that these will get caught in the viral aspect of the internet and spread and spread. Feel free to re-post the links on other blogs, link back here, print them out and try to hand them out physically, make paper airplanes out of them, whatever you want.
I'm also going to put all of these links up in a box in the sidebar of my site at http://www.talkhockeytome.com. There's no drop-dead date on this either as I'm still well into my research period.

Thanks to all of you who participate!

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The Over-Educated Hockey Fan Gives A Book Review: "Hockey and High Heels" by Lisa Ovens

I started reading Lisa Oven's "Hockey and High Heels" with hopes that it would be THE HOCKEY BOOK that spoke to the wishes and dreams of Hloggers worldwide. Instead, it turned out the be more like Hockey as Written By The Shallow Bimbos You Hated in High School.


Ovens starts off by declaring her good intentions-following the Vancouver Canucks for a season, but never gets past her insistence on going back to the being the ditzy scattered capitalistic female who sees any sporting event as an excuse to buy something of show off new acquisitions. Essentially, Ovens plays into the girly-fan stereotype that plagues hockey women the world over. She exclaims over how getting her hair done is her pre-game ritual (just like the players!) and shows off her new Prada purse to obnoxious and un-useful sidekick 'Stacie'.

By letting readers know off the bat that she can afford things like partial-season NHL tickets, Prada bags, and mid-season jaunts from British Columbia to Florida, Ovens also alienates those of her readers who don't share her ability to throw money at what for her seems like just a fun, giggly diversion. As much as I'd love to sit in the lower bowl for NHL games, I have to face facts: I have to eat. By rubbing her unexplained wealth in my face (What does she DO, anyway?) Ovens just makes me resent her as one of those people who throw money at something for the status they think it may bring them.

This view of Ovens as status-seeker is further bolstered when she dubs herself "hockey ambassador" to Florida while simultaneously admitting she knows very little about the game. At the end of the book she looks back and says "I guess we only covered one rule in the whole book... oops!" While this keeps her from running into the territory of The Girlfriend's Guide to Hockey, it also proves her ignorance when it comes to the game itself. Between this and the episode in which she exclaims over not knowing what constituted a puckbunny, she consistently undermines what little authority she gathered previously. Of course, handing her the mantle of "authority" is stretching it as well, when the format of the book presents perhaps two pages of hockey, hockey game or hockey related insight for every six pages of obnoxious and repetitive dialogue between Ovens and her sidekick on non hockey topics.

Overall, Hockey and High Heels reads as would a self centered and poorly written blog, dealing occasionally with hockey. Regretfully, because other women more involved more closely with the game (bloggers, sportscasters, etc) have not yet come out with their own interpretations of being a female fan, Ovens' pitifully weak and ridiculously un-insightful memoir of her single season with hockey is given the most weight among all womens' voices.

(cross-posted to talk hockey to me

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I Never Need To Watch Draft Day Again.

I really don't have much of substance to say. I think Ray Shero's critically changed the chemistry of the Penguins, and I doubt that Hossa was worth it. I think it's very indicative that there hasn't been much said by a lot of the Pens, just Hossa (who's supposedly an old buddy of Shero's) and Shero himself, and I think that the Pens have crippled themselves for the future by losing Espo and the draft pick. Regardless of whether they get the Cup this year or not, I think it's going to be a very painful next couple of years for them, as I see very little depth in WBS. In short, I'm having rather a crisis of Penguins faith.


I don't think I can outrightly stop watching them, but as I've admitted before, Army is really the singular player that got me into hockey, and it's rather wrenching to see him not on my first love team anymore. I'm man enough to admit that there were waterworks when I found out (just ask Caps Chick.) In addition, the longer I spend in DC, the more the Caps grow on me, and with the DC/Atlanta rivalry the way it is, it's especially hard to figure out where my loyalties are supposed to be in this situation.

However, rather than being ridiculously emo and lamenting how much life sucks (which it does, trust me, I'm not out of the depression phase into acceptance yet by a long shot) I've chosen to channel it into making the....

Ray Shero, Please Walk Off A Cliff mix.
Midnight Train to Georgia Gladys Knight and the Pips
Expendable Youth Slayer
Boys Don't Cry The Cure
Mad World Gary Jules
Don't You Forget About Me Simple Minds
Sunshine (Go Away Today) Jonathan Edwards
Everybody Hurts REM
Worst Day Since Yesterday Flogging Molly
Big Yellow Taxi Joni Mitchell
Don't Dream It's Over Crowded House
Take A Picture Filter
Hurt Johnny Cash
The Stolen Child The Waterboys
Wonderwall Oasis
I'll Be There For You The Rembrandts
Hallelujah Rufus Wainwright
Leaving Town Dexter Freebish
Move Along The All American Rejects
Ashokan FarewellMark O'Connor



And an extra, for Joe Motzko

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Quote of the Night

From CapsChick, who will deny she said it, but should have known better to begin with..

"And the Penguins are winning... it's fun"

(just to save a little of her street cred, she's trying for a numbers win for the Caps over the Sabres. But still.)

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