Sports Moron Of the Day Award Goes To.....

Courtesy of the National Sports Review, I give you Why Chicks Should Be Banned From All-Star Voting by one "Den Cotton."

Here's his opening salvo:

As I recall, Colin (Cowherd) has spoken about the upsides — a requirement even — of having a relationship with a girl who doesn’t love sports. Now I don’t want to get Colin in too much trouble because he has a lot of smart female fans who call into his show. But I don’t want to date them, no matter how hot they are.

Jigga WHAT NOW? Hold on to your hats ladies, it's about to get better.

Cotton continues:

I know some of you ladies probably think I’m intimidated by your sports knowledge — and I am. Not because I’m afraid you know more than me about sports — because you probably do — but because I don’t want you to be a man. I don’t feel like much of a man already, and I really want to keep what is left of my dignity; and that is very little if you’ve been scoring at home.

Just fix the toilet or something if you need to get your manliness on; no fear for me with that. I’ll bake one of those tasty dinners that I’m known for while you go mow the lawn, take care of that broken door I won’t fix, and maybe put some new tile in the bathroom.

Ladies who love NHL are completely off limits.

So basically what I'm getting from this is that Den Cotton is SO AFRAID of his potentially latent homosexual desires that he's refusing to date any women that he sees as infringing on that manliest of manly frontiers, the sporting world. God forbid that he be potentially attracted to a woman that likes sports, because obviously to him, she's going to be "manly," and the only logical next step from there is all rainbows and pride parades and he can't be having that as a REAL MAN, can he?

Oh sure, he'll let us little ladies improve the home in what HE sees as a manly gesture, giving us domain over toilets and lawns and tiles, but hasn't the "HOME" been the place of females for years now, historically? By 'giving' us that right to improve our home, isn't Cotton really just shoving us back into the little housewife role and taking away our Sports Center rather than enabling us at all?

And just what would Cotton say about a roller derby girl? She's wearing a little skirt and fishnets, which should obviously make his lower brain (dare I say ONLY brain?) engage, but isn't it awfully manly of us to go out and think that we can take NHL-worthy hits for the sake of our sport?

Also, I LOVE the painting of all female sports fans as emotionless robots.

Seriously, if you come home and suddenly decide you don’t want to share feelings anymore, I am without question,kicking you out in the street where you can be free to go to the bar for a date with Tom Brady by yourself.

And just what if the feelings I want to share are over a hockey team? I'm positive that I've said "Goddammit, I'm so mad the Penguins lost," and I KNOW that anger is a feeling. Instead of saying "when you don't want to share feelings, I'm kicking you out" why doesn't Cotton say the obvious, "I can't handle a strong intelligent woman who likes and knows about sports because I'm completely insecure about myself and need to feel dominant in relationships."

Because right now?

I'd rather kiss Danny Briere than touch Den Cotton with a ten foot pole.

Unless, perhaps, it was a ten foot pole crammed up his you-know-what.

(also at Talk Hockey To me)

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I think I've ranted here before....

Pennsylvaniagate and the reports I read after it last night got me thinking about respect issues. I know I've chewed over and over fan respect issues, here, there, and everywhere, but respect for players seems to be starting to leave as well, and both as an athlete in a very public-based sport and as a sports fan, I'm not okay with that.

Here's my problem. In a Bears/BabyPens game last week, this is what I saw...
Curry, the WBS Pens' goalie, is hurt. Obviously hurt. Hurt on the Bears powerplay, so they're down in the WBS end. Curry goes to his knees, and doesn't get up. Can't get up. Tries to get up, and goes back down, and basically is forced to finish the penalty kill on his knees in the crease. The refs don't call a thing, even though the coaches are screaming at him. FINALLY, the penalty kill ends or they dump it or something, but play stops and he makes it pretty obvious that he's in pain. The trainers come out and work him over, the backup is masking up, and he's definitely seems to be favoring one leg. Lo and behold, however, he takes a few laps back and forth and decides that he can stay in for the rest of the game.

Cue booing Bears fans.

Honestly, I don't care which team you cheer for, when you have a hurt player who decides he can gut it up and stay in, you applaud. When you have a hurt player who can finally get up and leave the ice under his own power, you applaud. If you have to have a player stretchered off, but they showed some goddamned gumption about getting the injury you applaud. If they're there putting their motherloving lives on the line to entertain you, (because that's what pro sports come down to, as they wouldn't be playing for money if it weren't for the audience,) the least you can do is show that you appreciate the fact that they're playing hard and getting hurt FOR YOU.

The showing of booing Talbot at the Wachovia Center last night was just disrespectful. I don't care if you're a Flyers fan or a Penguins fan or what, if someone's hurt, you give them some respect, you don't say "Well, he deserved that" even if he did. These are humans we're talking about. Big hefty humans who know what they're getting into when they start playing the sport, granted, but humans none the less. To treat them like their lives and bodies don't matter because they're on a sports team specifically to entertain you is nothing short of shallow and when you think about it, really kind of horrifying. You wouldn't boo an actor on the stage if they twisted their ankle or had pneumonia and STILL went out there to do the show (both of which I've seen firsthand) so why should a sports figure be that different? The actor AND the hockey player are both there to be entertaining, so what the H-E-double hockey sticks is the difference in respect levels?

Just, really, people. Think about what you're doing before you follow the lead of a few idiotic and disrespectful fan sheep. I'd love to believe that people are mostly good, but between the recent few incidents at Bears games and the continual disrespect I see coming out of some other major hockey markets, you're making it hard right now.

Also over at THTM

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The good, the bad and the funny of hockey insults

I have found that hockey fighting usually results in some of the best insults and most creative curses I have ever heard. Its pretty impressive. I had a buddy who played hockey in college, and some of curses he told me were leveled at him were impressive in their ingenuity. They questioned the typical (his lineage, his mother's marital state when he was conceived, etc) and then the not so typical (he told me a guy on the ice once quoted Shakespeare's famous "Oh Romeo, oh Romeo" couplet to him).

But I have found the best is when hockey players try to insult each other in the media. Its meant to be harsh and mean, but mostly its just... funny. Example 1 - Derek Boogaard on the growing Wild/Canucks rivalry, their fight filled last game, and the upcoming Wild-Canucks game:

"Maybe I can go after, or check Naslund and those Pinky and the Brain twins,'' Boogaard said.

Hmm. First, I am not a fan of "putting people on notice". Too many Bertuzzi memories. I think its dumb and dangerous and Coaches should strongly discourage it.

But "Pinky and the Brain twins"? Somehow, I doubt the Sedin twins are wincing, or even slightly grimacing. Thats all that Derek Boogaard, one of the most feared enforcers in the NHL, can come up with? The HLOG'ers (feared enforcers themselves) came up with better when we spotted a Sedin look-a-like at Capitals practice.

I have to believe that hockey players (feared, tough men) could do better, so I researched the source of the most hockey insults in the world: Sean Avery. Here is what he had to say after insulting Gary Roberts into a penalty:

An expert on the subject, Avery was asked if it surprised him to be able to so quickly get under the skin of a player as experienced as the 41-year-old Roberts.

"It's probably easier," Avery said, scratching his beard with fingernails painted with black polish. "Young guys are a little dumb. They don't know what's going on half the time.

"A guy like that takes it as a little bit of an insult. How dare you disrespect them and all they've done for the game and how great they are?"

What I wouldnt give to know exactly what Avery said to Roberts to get a rise out of that veteran. I sincerely hope it was a little more then Nickolodean referenced insults, although I do see a startling resemblance between Hannah Montana and Roberts (died blonde hair).

To be honest, I kind of hope that hockey players dont get very good at insulting each other in the media because I cant help but laugh as I watch Derek Boogaard be capable of this, and then come up with Pinky and the Brain.

So....whats the good, bad or funniest hockey insult you have heard? Lets hear it in the comments.

NOTE: Since I actually have time to blog today, I am throwing up posts all over the place:)

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