Friday, January 05, 2007

New Year's Resolutions

Okay, so I thought about just doing New Year's Resolutions for like, my team, the Montreal Canadiens, but then I thought, wait, with all the things you know Justice, that would be really boring.

So I'll start out with the Habs and then I'll move on to my other fave players throughout the league.

Les Canadiens de Montreal:

Saku Koivu resolves not to get hurt in the playoffs this year.

Gui Latendresse resolves to not let the fact that he has the coolest name on the face of the planet go to his head and to find that scoring touch he had in junior.

Alex Kovalev resolves play better hockey in the defensive end and bag a few game winners while he's at it.

Steve Begin resolves to play better hockey in the defensive end.

Alexander Perezhogin resolves not to hit anyone with his stick like a baseball bat - look at all the trouble that caused a few years ago - this should be a yearly resolution for him. He also resolves to get a better hair cut and score a few more goals.

Garth Murray resolves to not live in the North End if he ever comes home to Regina, to grow out the crazy white boy afro, like he had it back in the day, and to actually put some freaking points on the board.

Mikey Ryder resolves to quit talking like a Newfie eh? 'Cause everyone makes fun of him when he says "aboot". He also resolves to play better defensive hockey or to at least get off the ice before the defense blows it. Oh and to grow his hair out again, 'cause that shaved look does NOTHING for him.

Christobal Huet resolves to play freaking fantastic hockey, resulting in the name Christobal becoming one of the most popular names in the province of Quebec for male babies while the name Christobelle will become equally popular for the girls. Oh and it'd be nice if he lost the creepy Patrick Roy-esque hair.

Sergei Samsonov resolves to put more points on the board and to quit playing crappy when the other players make fun of his name. Sir-Gay? Get it? Haha!

Chris Higgins resolves to continue scoring short-handed goals and to take the lead league away from that punk ass 18-year-old in Pittsburgh.

Sheldon Souray resolves to never again marry a Baywatch Babe (present or former), to avoid Paris Hilton at all costs (remember what happened to Jose), and to continue looking far too hot for his own good at all times.

Around the League:

Ryan Getzlaf resolves to come hang out in the South End more. After all, that's where all the hot chicks are.

Corey Perry resolves to get laid more often on Ryan's leftovers, since he can't have Joffrey's anymore. Oh and talking in public on occasion might help. But only if you don't have a dip in your mouth. Chew is nasty.

Chris Pronger resolves to never, ever cheat on his wife ever again. Ever. (Or at least to not get caught this time, moron.)

Riley Armstrong resolves to not get sent home after like, two days of training camp. Maybe he should not spend the entire summer getting trashed and spend a little more time training. Dumbass.

Devan Dubnyk resolves to actually play in the AHL next year. And not to buy a car that's too small for his tall ass. Once was enough.

Dan DaSilva resolves to quit hanging out with Riley when he's being a douche. Which is all the time. Maybe Dan should resolve to stop being a douche himself, but that's about as likely as Riley not being a douche.

Jarret Stoll resolves to get over the like, old lady thing, and move on from Rachel Hunter. Jarret, honey, you're young. She's old. You're from Melville. Surely to God you could do better.

Colby Armstrong resolves to do as that chick on 10 Minute Major ordered and dumb his disgusting fake tanned girlfriend from Wilkes-Barre and to find himself a nice girl from Saskatchewan. Failing that, Saskatoon.

Dustin Boyd resolves to actually stick with the Calgary Flames instead of playing this up and down game. Failing that, he'll keep praying that Iggy or someone gets hurt.

Richie Regehr resolves to stop informing girls he wants to bang about the chick he banged the other night. So not a way to get them to remove their panties honey.

Dion Phaneuf resolves to... wait, why would he make a New Year's Resolution? He's already perfect. I mean, couldn't we tell that just by looking at him? We should like, pay him to do that, since he's so fantastic.

Jose Theodore resolves to say the hell away from all heiresses named Paris, especially when his daughter is sick in the hospital. Not that he'll stop cheating on Stephanie, it just won't be caught on tape - unless its his teammates camera phones when they tag team a chick, 'cause that's just cool.

Robyn Regehr resolves to continue to party like its 1999. Same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and....

Patrick Coulombe resolves to spend his entire summer training his ass off with Sid the Kid in the hopes of actually sticking with the Canucks next year. Failing that, he knows where Luc Bourdon lives.... (Oh and take that bitches - Dan, Riley, see that? Patrick actually has a player page!)

Sidney Crosby resolves to quit playing second fiddle to AO and to win the scoring race by an insane number. While he's at it, he also resolves to help the gay rumours continue by not dating anyone.

Jordan Staal resolves to continue taunting his older brother Marc with the fact that he's in the show and Marc's not.

Marc Staal resolves to throw his two World Junior Gold Medals in Jordan's face and to taunt him with the fact that he'll never have one.

Alexander Ovechkin resolves to deal with his acne issue. Like seriously dude, get some proactive.

Okay, I think that's it for the moment. I might have more at some point, but now is not it.

Ryan O'Marra Quote of the Tournament: (Since it was said to the COACH with a camera in his face)

Is there any champagne in here? - Ryan O'Marra, Team Canada forward

Yay Canada! You rock the whatever it is they say in that song.

Gotta love those boys!


HD said...

okay, too funny about:

1) Riley & Das
2) Colby's girlfriend
3) Little Regher.
4) Pears.

Love it. Amusing to read something I think exactly the same about.

Jordi said...

I hope Begin could maybe find some leftover Propecia to help save his balding. But that's kind of too late to save.

Objectionable Conduct said...
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Objectionable Conduct said...


1) Riley and Das are douches. They should like, go out, buy a bag of douche and put their own names on it, because that's what they are.
2) Colby is a sweetheart. He could do so much better, but she seriously has to be the best sex ever. Of course, we could ask Dion about the quality of sex in Red Deer and he would tell you its not up there, so Army's girl has got to be like... better then what he got in the past. Plus he's from Saskatoon, so really, there's not a lot of quality there.
3) He likes bum, a lot. Makes me wonder. He also needs some like, hair replacement therapy or something. Bald is not hot. Oh and he really needs to give up on surfing in Saskatchewan. Dude, its SASKATCHEWAN. We don't have an ocean. Or waves.
4) Pears is okay most of the time, but he needs to like, start talking. Maybe then he wouldn't have to have leftovers all the time. Of course, he'd have to have some game off the ice for that to work.


Yeah, I thought about him resolving to get hair plugs, but well I just thought that might be worse.

Reality Check said...

Is too late to add in one one Patrick Stefan's goof, like resolving to keep your eyes on the puck.

The Stefan screwup was so funny it inspired me to wonder what the heck happened!

So I posted this:

Objectionable Conduct said...

RC - Yeah, I really don't care that much about the Stars, though I suppose I could have given resolutions for Mike Smith and Eric Lindros, oh and Mike Modano too, but yeah. I got nothing on Stefan. Though that was funny.

Finny said...

hilarious! esp. about getzzy/pers... =D And Jose Theodore... man, that Paris thing was the biggest brainfart ever. =D

Objectionable Conduct said...

Finny - the Paris thing was especially hilarious for me because one of the boys in the show (who knew about my ridiculous crush on Jose) is the one who TOLD me about it. I had no clue.

CapsChick said...

Hmmm...kind of a low blow about Ovechkin. Poor kid, he can't help it :)

Of course, our other resident Russian, Alexander Semin, has some baby's butt smooth skin going on.

Objectionable Conduct said...

I'm sorry, but Ovie has been in North America LONG enough to have seen a proactive commercial. He needs to get on that.

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