HLOG Singles Craziness: kms2 and her wonderful taken life.

It seems that through all the HLOG emails of “pick me!” I’ve been resorting to a top hat and a couple of scribbled names. However there was a reason that our Kings girl kms2 was restrained against her will. While I’m sure some of you boys are more than happy to live it up with a girl from LA, be careful; she’s taken.

Now why is she still here? Sitting here and answering these questions? Well in the applications, it caught our eye that Kaoru was in a relationship but HLOG-gers usually received a ring on the 2nd date – something our Kings girl has yet to anticipate. To explore why this unusual phenomenon was occurring, I took out my little Nancy Drew and Famous Five novels and decided to ask her the questions we needed answers.

Kaoru is definitely the LA girl of your dreams, she fears her google wielding mother and had Mike Cammalleri once apologise to her. Born and bred in LA (in the less shitty sides which she assures me), she shares with us the trials of being the new young hip Kings girl better than Elisha Cuthbert.

Living in Palos Verdes, she admits to HLOG, “this is the type of LA that I love. Sort of relaxed, great weather. On the other hand, I absolutely hate having to drive into downtown LA or Hollywood. Traffic is a nightmare.”

So, what about the Mike Cammalleri incident?

K: Me and a couple friends were visiting another friend and we passed by a house where a guy was getting into his car and it looked like he was going to run us over. But he got out of his car (a white Mercedes) and he had sunglasses on and he apologized for making it seem like he was about to run us over. And I wasn't paying much attention to him and about five strides later it hit me that he sounded EXACTLY like Cammalleri. I spun around but he was gone. I told my friend who lived there and the next day he emailed me saying he saw the guy unload a ton of hockey sticks from his car.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!*

[Jordi Note: Seriously, what I said]

K: I wish I had paid more attention because I actually had my camera with me too

So you have a boyfriend, describe him to us.

K: Okay, lemme try. He’s about Briere’s size.

Does he dive a lot?

K: No, he’s a man!

I’m sure he could be good at it.

K: I'm actually not sure he's ever been ice-skating because he's from New Orleans. I suggested that we go ice-skating at a really small indoor rink near where I grew up and he was shocked that we had rinks. At times he has a mouth like Avery, but just not to me!

So you’re the Elisha Cuthbert to his Avery?

K: I once wrote a post about Avery being traded away from the kings and I described Avery as "my douchey, cocky white guy" and he was jealous because he said that he's my douchey cocky white guy. So I had to remind him that he's not douchey nor cocky to me.

How would you rate the Arena?

K: It would be a 9 or 10 but the tickets are really expensive and so is the beer and food. My boyfriend read somewhere that the prices at Staples Center are the highest of all NHL arenas. Other than that it's great because it's fairly new.

Good for a date?

K: My boyfriend got me tickets to the Robitaille Jersey Retirement game. So that was kind of like a date.

Now, Sean Avery begs to come back to the kings, and he misses there what with his girlfriend being unable to dress herself properly* otherwise. But the condition is that JMFJ will have to go take a hike. Your response?

[Jordi note: We spent a while talking about how Elisha Cuthbert is an annoying girl and a couple cans short of a six pack, and all that. That and she has a lot of trouble dressing herself. It does sound evil but you soon realize, maybe he does deserve her.]

K: Oh hell no! JMFJ stays! I don't like Avery that much. JMFJ is younger, hotter, and in a couple years will be cockier and a better fighter.

But then your boyfriend goes “You know what… I kinda like Avery”, what then?

K: Well, I think he already does. But then I would tell him that he has to like JMFJ. And then he would listen because when it comes to hockey he almost always listens to me. I think the only hockey thing we disagree on is Bertuzzi. I think it's ok that he's still in the league (which doesn't mean that I actually like the guy) but my boyfriend HATES him and thinks he should never be allowed to play in the NHL.

So Bert’s the mood breaker? Like in the middle of a romantic dinner, someone walks past going “How bout that Bert?”

K: He would probably lose his shit!!! Unless I know that I'm absolutely right, I don't really care to argue, so it's okay that we disagree on Bert since who knows what the right punishment is for him

Is that why you guys can't settle to taking the next step? Would it better if Bert were to be removed from ... the face of the earth?

K: No, he's probably just trying to make sure he wants to live with my stubbornness for the rest of his life.

So Bert’s the stubborn hurdle? On the other hand, what’s the Steve Moore – the thing that is brought up which just kills everything?

K: Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe when he brings up that he hates LA. I've given up even paying attention when he utters the words "I hate LA". We almost never fight because that's pretty much how our arguments unfold. One of us will just start screaming out random words or an argument that we hear on TV shows that have nothing to do with our argument.

So what’s a good night?

K: When I don't fall asleep before 9pm. In addition to that, probably just a beer, good food, and a good TV show or movie. I've become quite lame after college. But as soon as I lean my head on the arm of the couch, I’m out.

What would be the best hockey thing that would happen in your life?

K: First: if the Kings win the Cup (which is a long shot right now, I know.)
Second: Running into JMFJ while I'm wearing his shirt and I have my camera with me to document the encounter
Third: meeting Luc Robitaille

What, no player deaths?

K: Maybe Pronger or Corey Perry. Perry is such a weenie.

So who are the [edited] quality players you admire in the NHL?

K: I'll give you a couple, Vinny Lecavalier. He's just too hot to pass up. A couple weeks ago I would have said Chris Drury, but not anymore!! Probably also JMFJ, but I'm guessing that I would have to write my name on the waiting list. I guess that's it for now. I can't think of anyone else. I'm pretty selective.

Chris Drury?

K: But he seems so quiet and mysterious. I like to think that he's private because he's hiding something.

Maybe he has a secret stamp collection.

K: Aww don't ruin it for me!

What’s your girliest/dressiest piece of clothing & jewellery?

K: The past couple years I've been into pearls. And my mom found a great jewelry/pearl shop where she likes to buy gifts for family members. So every Xmas and birthday for the past couple years I've been getting pearl earrings or necklaces. I hate wearing skirts but yesterday I bought two pencil skirts so now I'm determined to be girlier and look more professional at work.

Do you think that the NHL should make better clothes for women?

K: YES! I was actually on the crapper (sic) this morning thinking about how to create an online petition demanding RBK to create better women's clothing. I really want a shirt that has the logo on the front and the player’s number and name on the back. I searched online for hours looking for any website that sold them in women's sizes or even youths. But only men’s cause they're so damn special*.

[Jordi note: COMPLETELY agree. The NHL are stupid fucks for making womens sizes limited to peddling their crappy pink goods. We demand an explanation! Even if it is “sorry boss, we ain’t got enough sweatshops.”]

What are the romantic songs you love?

K: When I was in 7th grade I was really into Boyz 2 Men. Nowadays? Lady in Red.

While we can’t completely create a reason (or plans) as to why the man won’t hand over the ring, Kaoru was a HLOG singles profile that got snatched too early. And hey, there’s a gazillion of us who are just as exciting (or maybe have an interesting stamp collection)! Need a profile? Drop me a line at the regular ol’ email.

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HLOG mega offseason series: Singles Profiles with Jordi starring Steph

The HLOG headquarters have been trying to get up to date with all that has happened. After their recent audit and assassination attempts, everything has been righted. We’ve completed an all nighter, many extra strong cappuccinos and a little sexy dance by Vincent Lecavalier. So here we are slowly developing provocative new ideas for the summer season of HLOG (or in Jordi land “where it’s so cold her legs may fall off”).

Many producers have attempted to woo us with bouquets of flowers and sonnets so we could star in their new series. But you know it seemed too much of selling out for us. So we were almost close to agreeing to the NHL Next Top Model judging panel (because we know hockey… men), but then Steph our Red Wings rep suddenly snuck into the office at 7AM muttering about eBay and an Ales Hemsky poster and she was yanked from her desk so we could get her to help out in the festivities.

So apparently us HLOG ladies are fabulous, no, more than fabulous. We’re beautiful, glamorous and more than everything else, we’re not any smarter than any of our male readers. That’s how it works right? Wait, what sport do we talk about again?

Steph was completely uncomfortable in the HLOG quickpitch room (“Omg Jordi I will never speak to you again”). Yeah there was only one comfy velour chair that I occupied so she had to sit on a wooden stool. We were looking through our mail bag and was explaining that a loyal reader “Mike” wanted to see Steph with more cleavage, shorter skirts, and more importantly, a singles style profile which can help him understand how it would be like to send an e-gift or e-hug to Steph.

And that was how the HLOG “singles” profile started. (Shaddup I know it didn’t work that way; we both sat in velour chairs and sipped cocktails)

Stephanie Yates was born in July 8th 1986 (which makes her the star sign before a Leo but after a Gemini – what is it again?), in the beautiful polluted city of Detroit. Her biggest selling point is that she loves the Oilers. Her second biggest selling point is that she loves the Red Wings. She’s a creative writing major and she as well enjoys selective long walks on the beach (“IT DEPENDS ON WHO WITH [pause for nudge and wink] RIGHT?”). Despite the musty un-exotic total shithole that is Detroit (sorry), she loves the city very much.

Things that she did not say included her best features, it does leave a certain air of mystique around Stephanie. Just because she likes Czechs isn’t a bad thing (especially if “Mike” were a Canadian loving Euro hater), she could whisper exotic phrases into your ear while drinking a good pint of beer so foreign you can’t pronounce it. But these are the things she did say.

Any interest in exotic locations?
“Obviously I summer in Prague so I can stalk (Er, uh, befriend!)... You know what, I think I'm incriminating myself”

What’s your ideal romantic night?
“One night... Hmm Dinner! Good dinner at some tasty ethnic place. We can go to my favorite sushi place! And then uh, well Ales (Uh, uh, I mean, MY DATE) is probably bored of hockey; maybe we could go to a baseball game! But this is Detroit we're talking about, so we have to get out of there early enough to prevent getting mugged or something.”

“IT ENDS WITH A WALK ON THE UH, BEACH. NEVERMIND THAT WE DON'T REALLY HAVE THOSE HERE I'LL MAKE ONE”

Would the dinner be expensive? Swanky or cosy?
“More cosy, possibly because I’m cheap but shh don’t say that.”

So what’s that one special thing you’ll do to seal the romantic night?
Answer #1 (the more romantic one): “I'll uh, splurge for one of those stupid $12.50 "five dollar" pizzas. And feed it to my date during the intermissions.”
Answer #2 (the wrong one): “Dude I don't know. These had better be some crappy teams playing or I'm going to spend the whole date squeeing over people on the ice.”

“If we lose I’ll console him afterward. And then I’ll be cold so he’ll give me his jersey”

And then since it’s probably winter night, would you snuggle in front of a fire?
“Of course! At his place since it would probably burn my apartment down.”

“Well obviously we'd be talking about the game, right? And like, arguing over something that happened, you know, and then just as it was getting really heated he'd lean in for the kiss to shut me up and the rest is history. Right? Right?!”

What’s your date outfit?
“Well if I'm going to a game I'm wearing pants. But with a nice shirt! Red, so it can still be Wings colors, but look nice for dinner, too.”

Any brands you enjoy wearing?
“Umm... Crap I don't even buy specific brands I just buy whatever's cheap and obnoxiously colored! Uhh. I do get underwear from Victoria's Secret though! Only when it's on sale! But half of my clothes are from thrift stores!”

“Omg there's this story called Polly & Esther's in town here and it's like, this store where they take random clothes and things from thrift stores and do all kinds of cute things with them. And I like Urban Outfitter's but only when I have a gift certificate, damn that place is painfully expensive”

(Polly & Esther’s and UO now owe us $50 for our kind plug)

What is your non-hockey celebrity crush?
“Counting bands? Because if I don't you know, kidnap Hemsky and elope to Vegas or something I would settle for Matt Skiba.”

Describe your perfect man, with NHL parallels.
“How about... Curls like Ales (wait I need an adjective... Lush curls?), a young, pretty face like Val Filppula... Can I make a tasteless joke about sucking like Conklin? No? Uhhh... Crap whose’ body? Eyes like Lupul? Maybe not, they might infect the rest of him with Useless.”

Lastly and most importantly, the romantic song you’d want to hear.
“OKAY. If we're going with classic romantic songs, then Frankie Valli and Can't Take My Eyes Off of You. And if we're going with something modern, Alkaline Trio's Every Thug Needs a Lady (WTF that sounds the opposite of romantic)”

After Steph was freed, she got her Hemsky poster and her inbox full of e-vites and e-winks by eligible young hockey loving men. Will she meet an Avs fan that will change her mind? Or will it be a Flames fan that understands how to be a loser. Maybe she’ll meet her long lost Czech loving, closet Toronto loving man who makes her feel comfortable with herself.

Most importantly, she left the interview saying, “I'm going to look like a big huge idiot. Which is not much different from normal”. Though everyone knows that Steph is really just a lost soul who needs a nice Avs fan to teach her the niceties of different fans and maybe be a kind of star-crossed lovers thing. Then we’ll get our Renaissance costumes out and get our wedding ready.

If you’d like to meet Steph and more, the HLOG romance department will help fix you up with an interview. But be careful, the waiting list is long.

Nonetheless Jordi will eventually be taking any willing members to do their own profiles. Many will be roped up against their will into it. However if you’ve got any enquiries or would like to be next up, feel free to email me at gunstress@gmail.com.

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