Wednesday, June 13, 2007

HLOG mega offseason series: Singles Profiles with Jordi starring Steph

The HLOG headquarters have been trying to get up to date with all that has happened. After their recent audit and assassination attempts, everything has been righted. We’ve completed an all nighter, many extra strong cappuccinos and a little sexy dance by Vincent Lecavalier. So here we are slowly developing provocative new ideas for the summer season of HLOG (or in Jordi land “where it’s so cold her legs may fall off”).

Many producers have attempted to woo us with bouquets of flowers and sonnets so we could star in their new series. But you know it seemed too much of selling out for us. So we were almost close to agreeing to the NHL Next Top Model judging panel (because we know hockey… men), but then Steph our Red Wings rep suddenly snuck into the office at 7AM muttering about eBay and an Ales Hemsky poster and she was yanked from her desk so we could get her to help out in the festivities.

So apparently us HLOG ladies are fabulous, no, more than fabulous. We’re beautiful, glamorous and more than everything else, we’re not any smarter than any of our male readers. That’s how it works right? Wait, what sport do we talk about again?

Steph was completely uncomfortable in the HLOG quickpitch room (“Omg Jordi I will never speak to you again”). Yeah there was only one comfy velour chair that I occupied so she had to sit on a wooden stool. We were looking through our mail bag and was explaining that a loyal reader “Mike” wanted to see Steph with more cleavage, shorter skirts, and more importantly, a singles style profile which can help him understand how it would be like to send an e-gift or e-hug to Steph.

And that was how the HLOG “singles” profile started. (Shaddup I know it didn’t work that way; we both sat in velour chairs and sipped cocktails)

Stephanie Yates was born in July 8th 1986 (which makes her the star sign before a Leo but after a Gemini – what is it again?), in the beautiful polluted city of Detroit. Her biggest selling point is that she loves the Oilers. Her second biggest selling point is that she loves the Red Wings. She’s a creative writing major and she as well enjoys selective long walks on the beach (“IT DEPENDS ON WHO WITH [pause for nudge and wink] RIGHT?”). Despite the musty un-exotic total shithole that is Detroit (sorry), she loves the city very much.

Things that she did not say included her best features, it does leave a certain air of mystique around Stephanie. Just because she likes Czechs isn’t a bad thing (especially if “Mike” were a Canadian loving Euro hater), she could whisper exotic phrases into your ear while drinking a good pint of beer so foreign you can’t pronounce it. But these are the things she did say.

Any interest in exotic locations?
“Obviously I summer in Prague so I can stalk (Er, uh, befriend!)... You know what, I think I'm incriminating myself”

What’s your ideal romantic night?
“One night... Hmm Dinner! Good dinner at some tasty ethnic place. We can go to my favorite sushi place! And then uh, well Ales (Uh, uh, I mean, MY DATE) is probably bored of hockey; maybe we could go to a baseball game! But this is Detroit we're talking about, so we have to get out of there early enough to prevent getting mugged or something.”

“IT ENDS WITH A WALK ON THE UH, BEACH. NEVERMIND THAT WE DON'T REALLY HAVE THOSE HERE I'LL MAKE ONE”

Would the dinner be expensive? Swanky or cosy?
“More cosy, possibly because I’m cheap but shh don’t say that.”

So what’s that one special thing you’ll do to seal the romantic night?
Answer #1 (the more romantic one): “I'll uh, splurge for one of those stupid $12.50 "five dollar" pizzas. And feed it to my date during the intermissions.”
Answer #2 (the wrong one): “Dude I don't know. These had better be some crappy teams playing or I'm going to spend the whole date squeeing over people on the ice.”

“If we lose I’ll console him afterward. And then I’ll be cold so he’ll give me his jersey”

And then since it’s probably winter night, would you snuggle in front of a fire?
“Of course! At his place since it would probably burn my apartment down.”

“Well obviously we'd be talking about the game, right? And like, arguing over something that happened, you know, and then just as it was getting really heated he'd lean in for the kiss to shut me up and the rest is history. Right? Right?!”

What’s your date outfit?
“Well if I'm going to a game I'm wearing pants. But with a nice shirt! Red, so it can still be Wings colors, but look nice for dinner, too.”

Any brands you enjoy wearing?
“Umm... Crap I don't even buy specific brands I just buy whatever's cheap and obnoxiously colored! Uhh. I do get underwear from Victoria's Secret though! Only when it's on sale! But half of my clothes are from thrift stores!”

“Omg there's this story called Polly & Esther's in town here and it's like, this store where they take random clothes and things from thrift stores and do all kinds of cute things with them. And I like Urban Outfitter's but only when I have a gift certificate, damn that place is painfully expensive”

(Polly & Esther’s and UO now owe us $50 for our kind plug)

What is your non-hockey celebrity crush?
“Counting bands? Because if I don't you know, kidnap Hemsky and elope to Vegas or something I would settle for Matt Skiba.”

Describe your perfect man, with NHL parallels.
“How about... Curls like Ales (wait I need an adjective... Lush curls?), a young, pretty face like Val Filppula... Can I make a tasteless joke about sucking like Conklin? No? Uhhh... Crap whose’ body? Eyes like Lupul? Maybe not, they might infect the rest of him with Useless.”

Lastly and most importantly, the romantic song you’d want to hear.
“OKAY. If we're going with classic romantic songs, then Frankie Valli and Can't Take My Eyes Off of You. And if we're going with something modern, Alkaline Trio's Every Thug Needs a Lady (WTF that sounds the opposite of romantic)”

After Steph was freed, she got her Hemsky poster and her inbox full of e-vites and e-winks by eligible young hockey loving men. Will she meet an Avs fan that will change her mind? Or will it be a Flames fan that understands how to be a loser. Maybe she’ll meet her long lost Czech loving, closet Toronto loving man who makes her feel comfortable with herself.

Most importantly, she left the interview saying, “I'm going to look like a big huge idiot. Which is not much different from normal”. Though everyone knows that Steph is really just a lost soul who needs a nice Avs fan to teach her the niceties of different fans and maybe be a kind of star-crossed lovers thing. Then we’ll get our Renaissance costumes out and get our wedding ready.

If you’d like to meet Steph and more, the HLOG romance department will help fix you up with an interview. But be careful, the waiting list is long.

Nonetheless Jordi will eventually be taking any willing members to do their own profiles. Many will be roped up against their will into it. However if you’ve got any enquiries or would like to be next up, feel free to email me at gunstress@gmail.com.

22 comments:

k.le said...

To all the interested men out there...she likes the Leafs too :)

Steph, you can thank me later...haha

Heather B. said...

But I'm not single! What about us poor married folks? Or am I alone her in marriage-dom?

That said, funny stuff!

Bethany said...

Haha good work Jordi...good work.

KMS2 said...

WTF?! haha, this was too funny!

Margee said...

Oh you crazy kids!

BTW, Steph, you're birthday is the day after mine. Two words: Joint. Kegger.

Steph said...

I can't decide if I sound a million times more retarded than normal, or far more clever than I expected.

WAY TO PICK AN AWFUL PICTURE. Jeez, I knew I shouldn't have let you loose on my facebook!

And Margee, it's brilliant! Best plan ever!

Rinslet said...

:D LOL! And to all the interested men~ She said the Canucks are growing on her, too! ;D

hurhur.

HI JORDI! I'M BLOCKING YOU FROM MY AIM, MSN GMAIL SO YOU CAN'T ROPE ME INTO THIS

KTHX BYE :D

McPhizzle said...

Steph & Margee - My bday 11/10 days after yours, may I join in on the beer-filled festivities and suggest we add in some drunken karaoke? :)

Finny said...

AHAHAHAHAHAH what the heck happened over here while I was busy watching my boys win the cup?!?!?!?

(sorry. had to rub it in. a little bit...)

I'm single, and available for "interview" HAHAHA... oh lord.

but then again, i'm always down for fun and silliness...

steph - you're hilarious.

we should talk more. i do that whole weird-artsy-creative-writing thing too.

can't you tell? my pockets are EMPTY... with HOLES in them.

Steph said...

Rinslet: SHE'S RELENTLESS. SHE'LL GET YOU. (Shhh the Canucks are our little secret okay?)

McPhizzle: BRILLIANT! You are welcome to our festivities so long as you do indeed provide the karaoke.

Finny: I think Jordi made me funnier than I seemed originally. But awesome! We so should! Those of us who are never going to have stable jobs need to stick together, right? And I would love to read your singles profile, you should so do one!

Jordi said...

Glad to hear about the positive response, the interview was conducted over aim/gtalk so you might have to get one. Or I can do an email one if it's easier.

Plus all married people are the success stories, we'll be checking in to hear your secrets in trapping a male.

Jordi said...

RE: Karaoke, imagine the HLOG convention karaoke. We'll start with the hit number of Jesus Christ Superstar: I don't know how to love Smyth.

Tracy said...

Hilarious. I think everyone in my house now thinks I'm dipping into the hard stuff... but that's ok, I think they suspected weird things about me before this. :P

Margee said...

HLOG karaoke has to happen. Everyone come to NY for July. I know cheap karaoke. And what better way to celebrate the births of Steph, MCP and myself?

Anyone up for a duet of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"?

And Steph, I too was a creative writing major. I doubled up with fine arts. I'll send you the first 300 pages of my novel if you send me yours.

KMS2 said...

Plus all married people are the success stories, we'll be checking in to hear your secrets in trapping a male.

Haha, Jordi, you're too funny. What about the ones in between, those who have been in a relationship for several years patiently waiting for the ring...yes, I'm talking about myself.

McPhizzle said...

Margee - I'm SO down with "Don't Go Breakin my Heart" but only if it's followed with "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" dedicated to Ricky D.

Shmee said...

Too funny!

Finny said...

margee- why was i never asked to read your material... nor have i been asked to have my material read. fine, i see how it is. hahaha

okay, hloggers creative writing convention... the ELITE.

(no, im joking).

ahhaha... we so need to hit NYC

Jordi said...

Haha, Jordi, you're too funny. What about the ones in between, those who have been in a relationship for several years patiently waiting for the ring...yes, I'm talking about myself.

I guess what we could do is have a little Dr Phil session with you bursting into tears about your personal demons. We can as well have an open HLOG debate like "is his income enough?" "does he give you enough work to do?"

Steph said...

Now see, what we need is like a HLOG-spin off writing blog. It's genius! GENIUS I tell you!

KMS2 said...

We can as well have an open HLOG debate like "is his income enough?" "does he give you enough work to do?"

Reminds of the 30 Rock episode where Tina Fey's character is ashamed of being seen in public with her boyfriend who is the Beeper King of NYC and specially orders fried fishsticks at a 5-star restaurant.

HLOG-spin off writing blog

Steph, that idea is pure Genius.

Isleschick said...

It's all about the 5 pairs for $25 at Victoria Secret. :)