Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Creative Challenge: Naughty or Nice?

"Who's been naughty and who's been nice throughout the league? What would you get your team's players for the holidays?" Well, when I signed on here at HLOG, I did so as a Carolina Hurricanes representative. What do I get this team for the holidays? A do-over for this season so far. I'm leaving it at that. My real hockey love is my WHL team, the Tri-City Americans so I'm gonna focus my holiday creative challenge on those boys!

Who's been nice?

Jason Reese--5th in the WHL in scoring
Captain Taylor Procyshen--a +21 on the season so far!
Noob Mitch Fadden--20 points in 13 games
16 y.o. rookie Justin Feser--14 points in 21 games and +9
Defenceman Jarrett Toll--discovering his offensive upside, 7 goals, 8 assists so far
Goalie Chet Pickard--winningest goalie in Americans' history, going to WJC camp (should make final roster)

Really, the whole team's pretty darn nice--nice enough for 1st place in the US Division, 3rd overall in the

So, who's been naughty?

Mitch McColm--79 penalty minutes. 3 shiners so far this season, Uncle Mitch is awesome.
Tyler Schmidt--68 penalty minutes. Though 5 of those were for beating the poo out of Drayson Bowman of the rival Spokane Chiefs, so really like 63, since he took it pretty easy on Bows.
Drew Owsley--causing some of my lady friends to begin bickering over who he should belong to. Very naughy!

Pretty much, no one's really been naughty.

Now then, what would I get my teams' players for Christmas (in order by number, not favorites):

Mitch McColm--15+ pounds on his frame so he can be a true enforcer. Plenty of "Got Mitch?" shirts to give to his buddies back home.

Jarrett Toll--a shaver (me no likey "beard") and more goals!! He gets so excited when he scores, he practically shakes like a 3 pound Chihuahua. And an exclusive dinner for just him and Taylor Swift.

Jason Gardiner--uh, a not-broken leg I guess? That's what he asked Santa for at Christmas party.

Riley McIntosh--hmmm, he's new, I don't really know him yet to know what to get him. AMS just got him from Kelowna so I'll get him a big stuffed dinosaur monster thing, to remind him of Ogopogo. And a red, white, and blue American flag outfit for the monster, to remind Riley he plays for the AMS now.

Cam Stevens--more playing time, I like watching him play; the entire Run DMC discography, breakdancing lessons.

Jason Reese--I'd say new skates, but he just got new ones so, uh...more goals! More faceoff wins; tickets to some emo band's concert like Cobra Starship or As I Lay Dying.

Kruise Reddick--more faceoff wins, more goals; The OC complete series on dvd. And the Twilight series books. These boys have long bus rides.

Mitch Fadden--a haircut, I'm just not digging the red mullet. And teeth whitener (sorry kitten, but you have yellow teeth. I will not make out with you like that. JK about the making out part...maybe)

Brooks Macek--10+ pounds, he's so skinny! Course he's just a little rookie, he'll fill out. Other than that, he gets lots of handmade-with-love cookies from me :) Oh, and a mouth guard that fits so he can keep it in his mouth! And a nicotine patch...

Adam Hughesman--speed skating lessons. He's better than last season, but still cement-footed at times. Also needs a mouthguard that fits. And hair gel. Lots of it. Or whatever hair product he uses on that amazing hairstyle he's got going on.

Mason Wilgosh--Oreo pizzas from Domino's. Three of them.

Jordan Messier--One of these awesome chairs, whichever NHL team he wants, to kick back and play NHL 09

Johnny Lazo--sniper skillz; business cards that read "Johnny Lazo, Baller Status" or something to that effect. And human hampster balls to race his buddies in.

Justin Feser--Some bling. He seems like a guy who's classy and should have a nice chain or something to accent his pretty face and look nice for the ladiez

Tyler Schmidt--I would actually take away any "Free tanning" gifts he receives for Christmas. Lay off there, babydoll, you're orange.

Brendan Shinniman--Gongshow Hockey Cougar Patrol tee. Seems like he'd go for the "experienced" gals. Go get 'em tiger!

Brock Zimak--see Brock Sutherland--this tandem bike for the 2 Brocks. Or this epic Russian motorcycle with a sidecar for them.

Spencer Asuchak--more playing time; A bunch of Mario Batali kitchen stuff, he's a secret foodie and spends his spare time reading cookbooks and thinking about ingredient combinations.

Brett Plouffe--Just like what he asked Santa for at the Christmas party, front teeth that stay in for more than 2 days.

Lane Werbowski--Magic eye drops that will keep his eyes open during critical plays/photo opportunities. And a red bike.

Drew Owsley--I'll leave this one up to Q-Girl or Bethany. Or both. Lots o' gifts for my goalie. I know Owl Cookies for sure.

Chet Pickard--NHL rink-style cribbage board. Combines hockey and cribbage, two of his favorites.

Brett Martyniuk--OMG, some playing time in an actual game! Poor kid. It'll happen Brett, don't get too discouraged; and a bitchin' mask paint job, the black is boooring.

Brock Sutherland--see Brock Zimak--this tandem bike for the 2 Brocks. Or this epic Russian motorcycle with a sidecar for them.

Petr Stoklasa--whatever he needs so his teammates don't continue with the nickname "Stinky" be it deodorant, AXE body wash, whatever. "Stinky" is not a nice nickname for such a nice guy.

Taylor Procyshen--patience with the puck; The Office on dvd, though he probably already has it. Arrested Development on dvd. If he likes The Office, he'll like AD.


Shan said...

What a cop-out. Let's see COAL amid the rubble that is called the Hurricanes!

COAL for Cammy!
COAL for Roddy!
COAL for Cole! Just because they need him back!

On Sergei! On Patrick! On Joni! On Ruutu!
On Michael! On Anton! On Ray Whitney! Yes, you too!

COAL for all! And to all a bad plight!

Ms. Conduct said...

Sweet little Brooksy is a smoker?? Nooo.

"Dave Schultz" said...

@Shan--I think you're right. Coal for all. And a big coal cake for JR for firing Lavi and bringing back Mo.

@ Ms.--chew. ew.

Ms. Conduct said...

Eww. How 'neck! He's like half as cute now that I know that. Blech.

"Dave Schultz" said...

oh well, then there goes cuteness of most of the team. Such hicks. It's so gross. I try to shame them about it whenever possible.

Ms. Conduct said...

Well, the reduction of cuteness is actually relative. His cuteness is in his Pommerdoodle-like innocent good looks. A nasty habit like that puts a BIG dent in that kind of cute. The ones who are just sort of general hockey boy cute wouldn't take such a hit. So... give him extra shame, will ya?

"Dave Schultz" said...

hahaa I'll work on it! See if posting that he needs a nicotine patch on the World Wide Web will embarrass him a little.

McPhizzle said...

Note about Fadden: It's technically not a mullet. Mullets are categorized as 3 times longer in the back than on the top or the sides... Mitch's hair is just long. :) However, I'm sure some of the boys would chip in to get him one of those t-shirts about popping his collar.