Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Baby Names

The first time I read Bucci's column I thought the baby naming was cute. Second time? Funny. Third time? Apathetic. And ever since that third viewing I've been annoyed by it. First of all, why would any reader actually care? Secondly, why in the world would you want John Buccigross naming your kid???

Bucci, forget about those baby names for the common folk. Pssh...they should do their own work and find their own baby names. The couples that really need help with finding the perfect baby names are hockey players. Am I stepping over the line by talking about a hockey player's future baby name? Maybe, considering I don't like to talk about a hockey player's personal life...unless it includes Willa Ford, Elisha Cuthbert, Hillary Duff, etc. But let's face it, they need our help because who knows how to name a baby better than a never-been married, childless, mid-20s female hockey fan? I eat cereal for dinner, vacuum every couple months, let basil plants die, and drink bottomless mimosas on a Sunday morning, so yes, I am the perfect person to ask for baby naming assistance. Here is a boy name and a girl name for none other than everyone's favorite player, Jordin Tootoo.

Boy: Jhonathown Kudluk Tootoo
"Jhonathwon" is just the more ridiculous version of "Jonathon" or "Johnathon"...kind of like how "Jordin" is the more ridiculous version of the more well known "Jordan". "Kudluk" is Jordin's middle name and you know he'll want to keep that in the family. That was easy!

Girl: Jordana Ophelia Tootoo
Jordin Tootoo comes across as someone who absolutely loves himself so I expect him to give one of his kids a name similar to his. And plus, any daughter he has will probably mature into a huge bruiser and will go by the masucline form of any given name. Therefore, she'll just become Jordin Tootoo. "Ophelia?" you ask. Well, now her initials are JOT!

And now I ask for your help, fellow HLOGers...what are your baby name suggestions for your favorite (or most hated) hockey player?


Jordi said...

Srsly, all I can think is these players should never have kids. But as long as they don't call their names something ridiculously awful like Everly Bear then it's alright by me.

Cat said...

As long as no one's naming their kid "Moxie Crimefighter" (I'm looking at YOU, Penn Jillette!), I'm pretty content.

Bethany said...

Spawn of Satan....works for boys and girls

Z4Dfense said...

roflmao...Jhonathown Kudluk Tootoo

phonetic break down

Jhonathown (ju-wanna-tho-down?)
Kudluk (gud luk)
Tootoo (translates into a double passing of gas)

apologies to all Preds fans but this is what happens when I am on cold meds and bored...

KMS2 said...

Spawn of Satan
Haha! Nice Bethany.

Z4D, love it! No worries, I don't we have any Preds fan on this site.

Heather B. said...

I'll just add that I hate Bucci naming babies. Do these people not have favorite players of their own who they can name their offspring after? Seriously people.

Lucky13 said...

I admit - I keep up with the Preds ONLY because of Jed Ortmeyer, but I will not blog on the team's behalf. Speaking of him and names, what were his parents thinking? Must be a family name. Blecch! Bet he has a hard time finding a bicycle license plate with his name on it.

How about Sid the Kid naming his kid Bing!!

Anonymous said...

One of my friends actually went on the "What if we bred Teka and Coby Armstrong" tangent and named the kids.

I think the boy was Stilton and the girl was Gruyere. Hyphenated last names of course, mine first.

I had been pushing for a nice Cheddar or perhaps a Muenster, but I got outvoted.

KMS2 said...


I like that! Now you got me thinking...Fontina, Brie (although that is kinda common), Tillamook (I think I like that one the best), and, if you think you'll hate your kid, Goat!

Anonymous said...

ARGLPEHTH! (that would be me spitting out my grape juice) YOU know about TILLAMOOK?

As a native Oregonian, I've been slowly dying out here without my cheese. That's it, we're naming the first one Tillamook. We can call her Mookie for short. She can be the third -ookie sister when she learns how to type.

KMS2 said...

YOU know about TILLAMOOK?

OF COURSE!! When I was growing up my brother and I always asked our mom to buy it! It's the better version of cheddar! Although I haven't had it in years...lately I've been on a big Edam kick.

We can call her Mookie for short. She can be the third -ookie sister when she learns how to type.

Haha, the -ookies would be so proud!

Elly said...

Teka, you want cheese? Come visit me in Vermont. We got cheese. Good cheese. Awesome cheese. Cheese so good my friend in Ontario is trying to figure out how to get some when I come up to visit without it spoiling.