Tuesday, August 21, 2007

SportSquee Investigates: HLOG

Things have been mighty hectic at SportSquee lately, if you could tell by the infrequent posting. Margee has about as much time to devote to SportSquee as she does to preaching the Book of Mormon. So what better filler than to have our investigative teams turn their eye in on Hockey's Ladies of Greatness. What we found out will scandalize you.

--Margee's grandfather was a Mexican revolutionary who had a brief affair with Agnetha Faltskog, inspiring the anthemic ABBA song, "Fernando."
--Jordi does not live in Australia. HLOG and Girls Don't Like Hockey are run out of her basement in Sniveling Green, Iowa where she is the acting sherriff.
--In accordance with McPhizzle's religious beliefs, the only music that may be played in her presence is that of Enrique Iglesias.
--Pookie and Schnookie are actually conjoined twins. They've never seen each other, as Schnookie is dangling out of Pookie's back.
--As an infant, HockeyGirl starred as "Mary," the eponymous baby in the classic "Three Men and a Baby." She still calls Steve Guttenberg for career advice from time to time.
--IslesChick purchases old Islanders jock straps on Ebay and has fashioned them into a hammock for her back yard.
--Finny and Cassie are both allergic to sunlight and surf wax.
--Kms2 once ran over the foot of Brian Burke with her car. She claims it was an accident. However, forsenics has since proven that she backed up over it again.
--Sherry once released a club single called "SherryBack." She has since filed a lawsuit against Justin Timberlake for copyright infringement.
--CapsChick sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber designed to refresh her hair nightly with what the salesman claimed was "an Ovechkin gloss."
--Sasky and Brittania once got into a bar fight with a group of football hooligans. Outnumbered 10 to 1, and employing only a pool cue and chafing dish, they came away with a decisive victory.
--Kristin holds the world record for fastest knuckle-cracking.
--Bethany was on hand for the opening of Euro Disney.
--Steph drinks up to 37 Wild Cherry Pepsi's daily.
--Objectionable Conduct has seen "Back to the Future" 34,678 times. She publishes a monthly newsletter in praise of the film. Teka is a subscriber.
--Tracy is first cousins with Jennifer Aniston. In fact, it was she who came up with "the Rachel" haircut.
--Shmee is an avid cigar smoker and has a walk-in humidor in her home.
--The Ellies once held a contest to see how many sour lemon Warheads they hold in their respective mouths at one time. They tied at 46.
--Heather B. is a past winner of the Price is Right Showcase Showdown. She took home a grill, two reclining love seats, a Tercel, and a green canoe.
--On a dare, Rinslet once ate a tin can.

x-posted to SportSquee


Anonymous said...

haha funny stuff

HG said...

I also was the baby in Willow.

Shmee said...

Only the finest cigars for me;)

KMS2 said...

Too funny!

I did, in fact, run over Burke's foot with my monster honda civic. I tracked him down on the 405; at first glance I thought he was hitch hiking but then realized he was scouting traffic for Neidermayer and Selanne replacements. I aimed to run over both feet but had to settle with just one.

Rinslet said...


CapsChick said...

*GASP* How did you know? Who told you??

Funny stuff, lady, as usual. Oh, and can I just say how grateful I am you used Ovechkin instead of a certain other Russian Cap who would have made mine sound a lot dirtier? Much appreciated. ;)

Margee said...

I've heard a little Semin for the hair is good. It worked for Cameron Diaz.

Tracy said...

Boo!! Who told? I actually came up with the entire "marry Brad Pitt" idea too... it was supposed to be mine but that tramp stole it. Not only that but every crap movie she's ever done... guess who advised her not to? She thinks she's all awesome with her "Rachel-'do" Pfft. Whatever Jennifer, I am SOOO the better chick!

Tracy said...

PS, that was seriously one of the best things I've ever read.

Sherry said...

Justin's lawyers are refusing to return my phone calls, I may have to take a more...drastic approach.

Jordi said...

You forgot that I'm a 35 year old man who likes to chat to young girls.

Gino said...

its a good blog you have going here.

Elly said...

Ahaha, awesome. Just what I needed before I went to class.

That, and a jar of lemon warheads.

Tracy said...

Jordi - I KNEW it...

McPhizzle said...

It's only the truth... His secret is the mole - it's actually the one singing. Much like Aaron Neville.

Anonymous said...

I knew the mad pool cue talents would come in handy somewhere.