My Blackhawks Training Regimen

The post-season is here and we have a lot of work to do, not because we are in the playoffs. We are NOT in the playoffs and that is why this post-season has to be the most fruitful yet.

I have decided to formulate my own post-season training regimen for each of my boys. So, get to it! Chop chop!

Cam Barker – As a defenseman, you haven’t done us very good. I have a few words to say to Savvy: try the boy as a forward. You’ve scored more goals as a defenseman than some of our forwards have as forwards! You need to work on that goal scoring ability this off-season. Keep scoring them goals Cameron and making me happy. Your case of Hansbrough Eyes isn’t too disturbing...

Dave Bolland – Please, find the weight room. Find it, and spend every waking moment in there until you gain an extra 20 pounds. Whenever I watch you play, I feel like you’re going to break! Knowing your weight makes every check a nail bitter.

Rene Bourque – You need to get a speech coach. I’m tired of hearing you say, “ya know” a million times in every interview! Damn it Rene! It’s crazy annoying. It has almost come to the point where I have to walk out of the room every time you’re on the TV talking. Someone tell this boy what he’s doing! On another note Rene, you need to learn how to smile. I don’t think I have seen a real genuine smile come out of you. Lighten up boy! If you score a goal, I want to see those pearly whites! You’ve really brought it all out to the table in recent games; keep it up.

Adam Burish – If you are going to claim the position of an enforcer on our team, you also need to find the weight room. You already receive a sick pleasure when you maul a guy but that also needs to be accompanied by a strong body. If you plan on facing off against the likes of Chara, you need to be a mega beast.

Dustin Byfuglien – You, Big Buff, need to drop some of that big. Spend some time getting buff and dropping some of that fluff. Those late night snacks and Mickey D’s runs probably aren’t doing you any good. After all, a Buffer Buff is a better Buff.

Corey Crawford – *Pinches Chubby Cheeks* You are adorable! But adorable isn’t going to continue your success. I suggest you watch Khabby’s playing, not his personality, and learn. Play continuously over the summer and improve. If you are going to be our goalie of the future you need to keep on giving it to us, Butterfly style. Bowchikabowow.

Martin Havlat – Marty, take a rest. Rest those sensitive bones and joints of yours. You can’t suffer another shoulder injury. Jump back in when you’re ready.

Jordan Hendry – Keep up the good work boy. Your defensive domination has taken us all by surprise…but I like it. Work hard this off-season and you should be on the rise.

Niklas Hjalmarsson – Three Words: Rigorous training program. I love you boy, but I’m not sure if you’re ready for the NHL just yet. Having negative numbers, as a defenseman, isn’t something I call good. You are, without a doubt, the best looking chap on the team but you’re also at the tail end in measurable skill. You need improvement in ALL areas.

Patrick Kane – You, Bolls and Buff need to team up and work on those buns, hips and thighs. Your skill is absolutely unfathomable but you need to get bigger, it’s as simple as that. Keep practicing those sweet as pie passes, they complete you, my sweet little candy cane. Also, take some advice; stop trying to run through the other team’s defensemen, you can’t do that so easy in the NHL.

Duncan Keith – I don’t have much to say to you. You are one of the top defensemen in this league and you are showing it. I’m sure my dad would have a lot of criticisms for you but, me, I don’t have many. My only suggestion for you is to work on your checking ability because, to be frank, it sucks. You, boy, need to get angry out there. Aggression is your friend.

Nikolai Khabibulin - *Sigh* You definitely aren’t my favorite player on the team and you know it. Your mission is to train Corey as your replacement. You’re too modest, my friend and I’m sick of it. Take some lessons from Langer and Wiz in personality and then maybe you can be a little more likable. You used to be good, and then you came here and stunk it up. Maybe if you were actually good then I’d soften up to you slightly but complaining about “back spasms” and missing how many games? I’ll give you the fact that you’re better than Lalime (who’s consistency is absolutely ridiculous) but, to be frank, your talent is shot.

Andrew Ladd – You, like most of your peers, just need to work on the generalities. Tighten up your skills and you should be fine. Besides that, I want you to spread that Stanley Cup knowledge around; spread it around like butter on bread. You are a youngling with some extra experience; disperse it amongst your herd.

Robert Lang – I know it hurts your fragile joints and I know you are slowing down by the day but, you need to push through this off-season as best as you can. Maintain is the key word. Yes, the threatening osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis might bite you in the butt in the future but if you have aspirations of staying on this team than we can’t have you slipping off this path of success you are on. Keep lightening up the mood during practice; we love you Langer.

Yanic Perreault – No more senior bowling with Langer. It’s crunch time now Yanic because you, my friend, are on the chopping block. We wanted to trade you at the deadline but the cold hard fact is that no one wanted you. No more pool aerobics; it is time to jump in with the younger guys and try your hardest to keep up.

Brent Seabrook – Two words for you: boxing lessons. You’re a big biscuit but you’re a little doughy. You can’t win a fight to save your buns. Of course, you bounce back because of your rather elastic nature but we need to toss you back in the oven to harden you up a little bit more.

Patrick Sharp – You know what got you your success this year; keep it up. You’re sharp as a blade; I want you as sharp as a single atom tip formed by chemically assisted spatially controlled field evaporation, AKA The sharpest thing known to man. How does 50 goals sound next year? I believe you can make it. Continue the good work my man.

Brent Sopel – As the scariest mofo on the team you really need to use that to your advantage. I can’t stand watching you get knocked down. How tall are you? 6’2’’. How much do you weigh? 205. Let’s pull it out my brother. Pull out those guns and start bruising some of our opponents. I know you’re capable of giving hard checks, so let’s see more of that! Pair up with Duncan Doughnuts and work.

Jonathon Toews – Listen to what I said for Kane. No more attempts at running through the other team’s Ds. It worked once. And again, kind of. But I honestly don’t want to see any more broken plays because of you trying to be the star. Wait a little while until you can do that 50% of the time. You, like Kane, also need to get a little bit bigger. You’re not a man just yet.

Jason Williams – If you are resigned – which I have no doubt that you will – then you need to work on your defensive strategy. Sure, you’re a forward but you also need to be able to stop the puck if it’s coming your way. If Cameron and Susan are on the ice then boy you better get your act together and help those brothers out! Spend a few weeks working on the defensive side this summer.

James Wisniewski – Anger Management. Yes, you are a junkyard dog, yes, you’re an enforcer, but getting angry over really minor things isn’t going to help you in the long run. I want you to keep sticking up for your boys but please, relax; you can cut down on some pointless penalties that way. Also, regardless of what the guys say, keep that shirt off in your interviews; I enjoy those tattoos, even if your skin is absolutely effervescent.

Andrei Zyuzin – Oh Susanna. You have negative numbers. Defensemen with negative numbers anger me. So, my dear Susan, if you want my loyalty back, and you want to stay off the trade block than work your butt off this post-season. Go find Yanic and work out with the younger boys.