Thursday, May 31, 2007

7 Hockey Players Picked to Live in a House…

When I was 13, watching The Real World in London, proclaiming that I love every person in that season’s cast, I wasn’t embarrassed about liking and viewing the show. Almost 12 years later, things have changed; my boyfriend absolutely hates The Real World (and everything on MTV) so now I have to sneak in viewings when he’s not home and I’m starting feel like I’m too old to admit that my guilty pleasure is watching RW, Road Rules, and RW/RR Challenges.

Last night I caught the reunion show for RW Denver and the RW Vegas Reunited. What?! That cast is being reunited? Do we seriously want to see Brynn throw a fork at Steven again? Hell, she’s 5 years older so maybe she’s upgraded to knife throwing. And Trishelle…oh, poor Trishelle. She was just an anorexic, train-wreck on the first show and I sure hope she’s wised up over the years.

The only drama revealed in last night’s episode (the first for the Vegas Reunited show) was the two black chicks arguing over whether Arissa made a move on Alton or if Alton made a move on Arissa. I was quite surprised that neither threw a drink at the other nor were fingers snapped with the usual accompanying dramatic head bob. Alton seems like a smooth-talking ladies man so I’m taking Arissa’s side. I know, I know, where’s this going and why am I posting this on hlog?

Well, with my RW fix satisfied I began to think: What would happen if you put 7 hockey players in a house together?

Since most tough guys (think Brashear) are known to be completely different off the ice, I’m going to judge the guys based on their on-ice personalities. I think it would be fun to have each position represented but it’s not a requirement for my casting. So what personalities would need to be represented so that the “show” would be interesting?

Here’s my first crack at casting this show:
Shane Doan - the good innocent guy
Sean Avery - the douchey, cocky white guy
Ray Emery - the token black guy
Sidney Crosby - the family spokesperson
Alexander Ovechkin - the foreigner
Brett Hull - the outspoken, obnoxious a**h****
Tie Domi - well, you just need a Domi

What drama would ensue?

Avery would incessantly make fun of Doan and push every little button he has. Since Doan apparently never says a bad word he would just constantly say, “Guys, c’mon guys, be nice. Can’t we all just get along?” Then Avery would punch Doan in the face, knock him down, stare him in the eyes and say, “No.”

Emery’s T-Mobile Sidekick would go off with a Snoop Dogg song as his ringer and Doan would jump in horror and ask, “oh my God, are you a drug dealer?!” (just as Julie from Season 1 did when the black chick’s beeper went off…haha, she had a beeper! Remember those?). Emery, wearing his burgundy crushed velvet suit with a dark gray button down shirt and silk burgundy tie, black hat, black cane, and crocodile wing-tip shoes would say, “No, Doan, I’m a pimp, didn’t ya know?”

Ovechkin would challenge Crosby at anything in hopes of winning so he can declare himself the number 1 player in the house, “Me house player one!” (Almost Ovie, almost.) And the guys will never correct his grammar because then what would they have to laugh at?

When Domi gets arrested in the first episode Crosby will hold a press conference and be the only person who talks, because let’s face it, the kid has all the right answers even if they are repetitive and safe.

Since Lemieux won’t be there to wake up Crosby, cook him breakfast, lunch, and dinner, bathe him, tell him it’s bedtime, Crosby will look to Hull for direction. Hull will then look back at Crosby and say, “F*** off kid! Don’t you know who I am? I’m Brett Hull! That’s right, Brett F***ing Hull!!”

I thought about putting the Sedin twins in the house because the RW has never had siblings or twins on the show. But having the twins might make it boring because I don’t think they could bring enough drama to the show.

The life of 7 hockey players living under one roof…I really hope this type of show is never made because it would be a new low for the NHL and sports in general, but it is fun to think about.

x-posted on
kms2's inner monologue


Debcapsfan said...

What a fab drinking game it would be to drink every time Sid-knee whines.
We'd all be wasted!

McPhizzle said...

Oh sweet baby jeebus! That's some good stuff right there. I'm sure if there was anyone else in my office today they'd think I had gone completely nuts with all the laughter.

There's one thing you forgot... The chicks, man... The chicks. THERE is where the drama (and VD) comes in.

Jordi said...

Ahaha love it. And the Sedins would probably look at ponies and talk about ponies all day! But they are tricky people. "Are you Henrik?" ".... Yes?"

Anonymous said...

Yeah, i think there need to be puckbunnies injected into the house at random intervals....

What crappy RW "job" would you give a bunch of hockey players? I'm feeling a daycare.... or a pregnacy helpline.

(oh, those poor poor commoners.)

Sasky said...

Forget the Sedins.

Put the Staals in.

Imagine the ensuing carnage, over who mum and dad love more, who's bigger, tougher, who's the better player, who's this who's that.

It'd be fabulous.

Tracy said...

So I have to be the whiner who says it... lol. I love that you put Avery and Doan together. That's hilarious. But just because he's the resident 'good ole boy' doesn't mean he wouldn't fight back. Give the man SOME kind of spine. Ha ha. When does episode 2 air, I think I'm hooked. :)

arrugaoil said...

The Real World NHL..I would totally watch it. the idear about switching the Sedin's to the Staal's. Damn that would be good TV.

*drools thinking about it*

KMS2 said...

Debs: I'm always up for new drinking games

McPhizzle: Chicks should be in the cast, but I couldn't figure out what "group" to use. Can you even imagine if someone like Willa Ford was in it....*barf*

Jordi: aren't they into some weird horseracing stuff? with carriages or carts?

Brit: I completely forgot about the job! A pregnancy helpline would be hysterical!

Sasky: You're totally right. The Staal brothers would be a perfect fit in the house.

Tracy: I know that Doan can hold his own, but I just had to play up his good side. Episode 2 will air after I get my inspiration from watching the second episode of Vegas Reunited!

oil: RW NHL should never be on TV...never. It would be worse than those Z-list celebrity shows on VH1.

Tracy said...

Make sure you let me know when your inspiration strikes, I always love to hear about the fake lives of the NHLers... Oh and I agree; Please no Willa Ford's or Elisha Cuthbert's. I could do without watching (or reading, as it were) them for the rest of my life. Ha ha. As for the job, the pregnancy hotline would be funny except that I'm afraid that half the girls calling would be knocked up by the guys themselves. Except my Doan, of course, he would NEVER do that. :P

McPhizzle said...

kms2 - Since you have Doan there to clean up after everyone, I think the only chicks in the house should be the 'broads' they invite over - we all know Mr Focus (aka Sidney) would cry on the phone to Papa Mario about how he can't sleep and how he has a funny new feeling in his pants. now THAT is some good television.

KMS2 said...

he has a funny new feeling in his pants. now THAT is some good television.

I'm still laughing! I don't even know how to top that.

Elly said...

That would be amazing. I would lose all respect for the NHL, but I'd die laughing while I did it. Oh man, that part about Avery...classic.

And give Sid some credit! Sure, he'd call Mario and ask for advice, but I think the advice would be, 'Keep your head up, don't stoop to their level, etc etc...and then when they're not looking, 'accidentally' push Sean Avery into the pool'. Sid would do it, even the golden boy's got his limits. (Either that or Ruutu would show up to 'take care of business', which would be excellent).

Schnookie said...

This is absolutely brilliant! As for casting the Sedins, well, they could be used on the NHL version of America's Next Top Model that Pookie and I have been brainstorming on for the last year or so. (Since ANTM already had twins on the real show...)

Sid totally wouldn't call Papa Mario up about the funny new feeling in his pants -- he'd be too busy trying to find an on-ice official to whine to that someone touched him in the Sidbits.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to refer to them as Sidbits from here on out. Not that there's any great call for Sidbits in everyday conversation, but when the moment comes up.....

I think they should also add a Flavor of Love bit and let Colby Armstrong nickname everyone in the house pre-show as well. Just to add to the confusion.

McPhizzle said...

AGREED! Sidbits all around... oops.. the word that is... *shudder* i feel like I need to take a shower after reading that in a different frame of mind.

Oooh... The nickname game. That would be a can't miss episode!

american oil said...


Ok, so next episode up would be the name game wouldn't it???

Love the all are killing me.....

Jordi said...

OMG ANTM. Bring Janice Dickinson back and mayhem will ensue, complete with who is anorexic and who isn't.

Additionally we need to see who wimps out for the nude shoot challenge and who is outageously religious.