Anything makes a weapon!

(disclaimer: Everyone's opinions are great, valid and probably better thought out than mine. This is purely an attempt to be humourous and later we can all go out for milkshake okay?)

Thanks James Thurber - you were so ahead of your time.

So it seems that we should shouldn't would've could've done a lot of things. Hockey is such a dangerous sport isn't it? How can we keep it family friendly? And how can we avoid cheap thuggery/unfortunate accidents/"I just went to the toilet and when I came back he was lying there I swear"?

First the equipment is flimsy. I mean why was the helmet wasn't put on right? Why do players play without visors? I suggest we throw out the new NHL "slimming" jerseys and we wrap the guys in bubblewrap. I work at a post office, I know. You want something secure? Head to toe in bubblewrap. Maybe add some airbags around the delicates to keep it cushioned. They're a breeze to play in! And when it comes to fighting, just think of all those bubbles you can pop.

Foam sticks are a necessity. This incident has clearly shown that those wooden sticks have to go. Not to mention it'll be a joy to be creative with and cross ice passes will never be the same again. Besides, if living in a prison has taught you anything (a pre-requisite if you ever want to be a HLOG-ger), soap and a sock can make an easy weapon. Anything's a weapon nowadays. Why endanger your players to weapons like those dangerous sticks!?

And what about those skates? They're a disgrace in terms of safety, what they need is a nice pair of thick explorer socks. It'll stop them from spraying ice in the goalie's face - not that it'd matter since he'd be bubblewraped like heaven.

And the puck should just be a rubber duck. It rhymes see?

Now before you all go out and start being mean to Chris Simon, think of what the NHL has done for THEM. They gave them weapons to be killers, why would you do that to a poor NHL confused child player?