Yes, I Named My Puppy After Sidney Crosby

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It's troubling being an Islanders fan these days. Well, it's troubling most days, but it's worse now because the Isles are falling faster than Tyra Banks' wig on a hot day in Arkansas. The very sight of the Islanders crest makes me want to throw up more than Tyra Banks' personal assistant on a hot day in Arkansas. I want, so very badly, with two weeks off, no new television, and no football to deal with, to jump into a warm jacuzzi of hockey and splash myself with Isles love. But I can't. Because the Islanders suck so bad right now that I'd rather watch the Tyra Banks Show than watch the Islanders lose in spectacular fashion. Again.

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Right now, the only hockey connection I can stand is through my new French Bulldog puppy. She shits the bed as often as the Islanders do, but she's cute. And even though I am an Islanders fan, I have named my tyke Cindy Crosby. This was an agonizing decision, of course, naming the little creep after a division rival, but I felt it was the right thing to do. I danced with naming her DiPietro and calling her Dippy. But I worried that she'd be prone to concussions and devouring banana cream pie. I also considered named her Blake, in honor of Blakes St. Jason and Comeau. But Amy Winehouse's crackhead hubby is also named Blake. So I soured on it. I thought of going classic and naming her Bossy. But then there was the danger that she'd be, you know, bossy. Or that she may have a history of back problems. And so, I named her for Cindy Crosby. I mean, there are so many similarities. Here they are:

• She's black and gold, like a Penguins uniform.
• Big butt.
• Sweet, but can still get on people's nerves.
• Bred specifically to entertain and amaze others.
• Incredibly determined and focused, not on scoring goals, but on chewing up my socks. But still.
• Was kept in a cage most of her life.

I can only hope that Cindy Crosby the dog ends up with the many qualities of Cindy Crosby the human. And that the Islanders can get their shit together faster than Tyra Banks can wolf down a a bucket of Extra, Tasty, Crispy KFC.