Tuesday, November 20, 2007

This Just In: Punching Sean Avery a Team Effort

I've kept the gloating for the Isles-Rangers rivalry to a minimum, largely because the games have been so great. They've played thrice this year and every single one has been a nail-baiter. The Rangers are hardly sucking against my Isles, they just can't seem to win, even with Henrik Lundqvist working his dark magicks in goal. And that's as generous as I'm going to get. Because the sotry of the game last night was how many times someone tried to punch Sean Avery. Let's look at the match-ups:

Avery vs. Brendan Witt
They began pre-skate by yapping at each other, and continued to make fiery eyes of death at one another throughout the first two periods. Witt has been reluctant to fight this year, for one of two reasons. Either he knows he's of great value to his team only when out of the box, or bitch crazy and could go Private Pruitt on Avery if given the chance. Well, good on ya, Witter. Way to not get baited by that turd.
Winner: Witt (points given for moral victory)

Avery vs. Ruslan Fedotenko
I'm loving Fedotenko, because he always plays like he's on his period. Very emotional, confrontational, and angry. While rying to break up a goalline scrum, Fedotenko found himself horse-collared and his face mauled from behind by none other than Avery. My dad teasingly used to go up behind my sister and grab her by the nostrils so she couldn't reach back and swat him away. Same concept. And it's a low blow, because I'm sure Fedotenko was paralyzed with fear wondering where that hand has been. I think I heard Tenk say, as he skated to the Box, "Yuck, smells like Lundqvist."
Winner: Avery (not a fair fight, Rusty never had a chance with the nostril grab)

Avery vs. Andy Sutton
After a confusing bit of "did-he-elbow-me-or-did-I-high-stick-him", Avery somehow managed to mount, like clamped between the knees and primed for a Cleveland Steamer, Sutton, prone on the ice. Beside the cry of jealous anguish from Henrik Lundqvist, it was a fantastic scene. Since Andy Sutton is maybe 8'3" and Sean Avery could fit in the kangaroo pocket of my hoodie, it kind of looked like the scene in Spaceballs when the baby alien bursts out of John Hurt's stomach. Unfortunately, Avery did not burst into a vaudeville routine.
Winner: Avery

Avery vs. Sean Bergenheim
Bergy has a lot of Sean Avery-type qualities. He plays with an edge, has big wheels, and enjoys an agitating role. However, Bergenheim is tall enough to ride Snow White's Adventure in Disney World and has top notch crazy eyes, explaining why Avery chose to turn heel when Bergenheim started with the lip flap. Avery knows that when you mess with the Bergen, you get the Heim.
Winner: Bergenheim

Avery vs. Rick DiPietro
The marquee match-up. Following a nice little shove from behind courtesy of Fedotenko, Avery barrelled into Pretty Ricky with his stick too high. Remember, the Islanders season ostensibly ended last year when Avery's knee introduced itself to DiPietro's temple. So, who can blame Pretty Ricky for executing a delightful donkey punch to the toppled Avery in his crease. The only thing that could have made the moment even more exhilarating, is for Pretty Ricky to stand over very and taunt, "this is how we do it in the N.C., bitch!"
Winner: DiPietro

x-posted to SportSquee

1 comment:

Kerriberry7228 said...

I'll only diagree on two points.

1. You can't give a victory to D.P. for getting called for an unnecessary roughing penalty against Avery because Fedotenko pushed him into the goaltender. Unless you wanted to give him points for taking a penalty and then playing great on the PK (as DP ALWAYS seems to do when he's the one to take the penalty).

2. The Rangers do not show up for Islander games. The Islanders get them selves overly worked up, which is great for the rivalry (not so great for your Ranger hangover). The Rangers looked pathetic out there for 2 out of the 3 games this season, especially that one at MSG. In all honesty, they are SO lucky it was only 2-1 and that it wasn't 12-1. Thank, Henrik. I'm mystified by their lack of effort. Not to take anything away from the Islanders, because they have been playing great, high energy games (and not only against the Rangers), but we are refusing to get excited for these games, which is why we're 0-3, even when we've been on a 5 game winning streak. And after the Isles? We went right back to winning.

This is a book.