Monday, February 05, 2007

The Ice is Twice As Nice in NHL Land!

Since I've been remiss in posting lately, I thought I'd take a crack the creative challenge. I can get creative. Don't forget I wrote a Squee-Off that included a fantasy make-out session with Evgeni Malkin. So, based on the structure of DisneyWorld, I present my version of NHL Land.

You enter NHL Land in the outskirts of Montreal, PQ. A monorail with cars shaped like Zambonis take you there. You lace up your ices skates to zip along the icy paths (roller blades in the warmer weather). Your favorite mascots greet you at the gate, Spartacat, Youppi, Wildwing, etc. You high-five them and park yourself in front of the NHL Land map. The many worlds inside the park are all so intriguing! They include:

Gionta Town
Your littlest hockey fans will love the family fun of Gionta Town. Catch the Cammalleri Choo-Choo Train and tour the tiny houses at the corner of St. Louis Lane and Briere Boulevard. Take a ride in the bumper cars at Jason Blake Junction. Hop in for Mr. Wellwood's Wild Ride. All the Timbits in your life will love Gionta Town.

Steel City
Want some speed? Check out the roller coasters of Steel City. Enjoy the high speed, wild dives, and whinging metal of the Sidney Crosby Express. Prepare yourself for the freefall of the Kansas City Switch. Escape the Russian Mafia in the high speed Tunnel of Malkin. Don't forget the Mario, a coaster with so many twists and turns, just when you think it's over, it's starts up again!!! Rolling Jagr is currently closed, we apologize for any inconvenience.

Gather your team and skate over to anyone of our 30 indoor/outdoor rinks, each one named for a different NHL arena. Here, you can play a hitless, highly controlled game with no marketing whatsoever. But be careful... having fun in Bettmanville is punishable by 2-minute penalty in the Tie Domi Ball-Pit Penalty Box.

Roenick World
It's all fun and games in Roenick World! Throw water balloons at the inflatable Sean Avery and win a prize. Score on the air hockey version of Andrew Raycroft for penny candy. Beat the Mike Sillinger pinball game and win a free Mike Comrie beanie baby. And be sure to check out the JR Superstar Players, the craziest clowns in Canada!

Tkachuk Food Court
Tired of poutine? Sample delicacies from around the NHL globe. Go to Ovechkin's for borscht and blintzes. Visit Huet's Creperie for French delicacies. Head over to Chara's for blackened boar and a goblet of sheep's blood. Tkachuk's Food Court brings world cuisine to you!

Jose's Fantasy Island
For Adults only. Features an old tyme French-Canadian brothel; a disco called Martin's Menage for swingers; Stick Save, a transvestite cabaret; Five Hole, a by-the-hour hotel of the utmost privacy, paternity and palimony suit waivers must be signed at the door. Drop off the kids at the Puck Bunny Playhouse... it's time for the top line of Mom and Dad to see some action.

The Rick Nash Infirmary
NHL Land provides top-notch emergency care for our patrons. The Peca-Shanahan Pavilion for Dental Services, Kerry Fraser Opticians, Marion Gaborik Groin Strain Associates, and the Martin Havlat Wing for Improbable Injuries suit your every medical need. Ladies can even stop in for Botox at the Chris Chelios Associates for Plastic Surgery and a check-up at the Martin Brodeur Gynecological Institute.

You grab one of the souvenir pamphlets, tuck in to your fanny pack and head down the freshly Zamboni'ed paths to the Tkachuk Food Court. A morning cup o' Joe Thornton and an Alex Tanguay Breakfast Burrito at the Playmaker Grille sounds just right to start your day at NHL Land.


Objectionable Conduct said...

That was hilarious. I was trying to come up with something for this silly challenge and you are the master. I bow down to your superior skills.

Paige said...

That's hilarious! I love the food court especially... :)

Heather B. said...

Love it, Margee. In keeping with your Gionta Land theme, can your "You must be this tall to ride" signs be Gionta, Briere, Roy etc.?

Sidenote: Timmy traveled with the team this past weekend and had NO headaches or other concussion related symptoms. He's also started participating in non-contact drills with the team :-)

Margee said...

Yay, Timmy! Protect that noggin!

I had to limit myself with this exercise, because I started to get so carried away after awhile. You have no idea what kind of filthy things I has lined up for Jose's Fantasy Island... no idea. But I'm glad you like It, and I think we nigh have to do an edit on the Gionta Land to accomodate your suggestion, heather b.

thehockeychick said...

OMG... good stuff. Love your writing and sarcasm.

Jordi said...

This is seriously awesome, I declare this the best (though only) NHL Theme Park EVER.

I'm a bit too scared to show mine now...

kristin said...

Damn, margee rocks!